


Poinciana

by apiegohome



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - Kingdom Hearts, Childhood Friends, Cousin Incest, Family Drama, Happy Ending, M/M, RokuSo, Slight RokuXi, Soroku, Taboo, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:45:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6843511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apiegohome/pseuds/apiegohome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can't always help who you fall in love with...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One.

**Author's Note:**

> All aboard the Angst Train! Toot toot! This story…might break your heart a little bit. If incest (between first cousins) freaks you out, please don't read this.
> 
> If you are going to read, please go look up these two trees: Poinciana and Jacaranda. They are both beautiful flowering trees that look fantastic in the summer.
> 
> There will be two parts to this! Enjoy :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the Angst Train! Toot toot! This story…might break your heart a little bit. If incest (between first cousins) freaks you out, please don't read this.
> 
> If you are going to read, please go look up these two trees: Poinciana and Jacaranda. They are both beautiful flowering trees that look fantastic in the summer.

They were at least an hour late – a basic observation that Roxas contemplated upon arrival then briefly agonised over, before simply resigning himself to the fact that there was nothing he could do about it. If he was going to be completely honest with himself, he didn't exactly care much either. It was a miracle in itself that he was even traipsing down this tired, worn dirt driveway after so many years away; the ramshackle country house beyond quietly drawing them in.

Considering that today was a very special occasion for him and his entire family, he should probably have felt guiltier about trying to wrangle his way out of being here; but unfortunately for him, no excuse was going to work in his favour this time.

Roxas could just make out the faint pleasant sounds of music and cheerful voices carrying along the light summer breeze from the backyard; the long driveway in front of them flanked on both sides by gently swaying Poinciana. Their vibrant red flowers were fluttering and twirling all around them. The elegant trees were much larger now, and even more beautiful than he remembered, their splash of kelly-green leaves dappling the sunlight that filtered through onto sporadic clumps of weeping grass and bobbing dandelions.

He tried to fight it but to no avail as his mind all too quickly indulged him and instantly pulled up more flashes of memory from his childhood. The valves in his heart almost seemed to clench then and his chest sharply ached. He was starting to feel sick. He had thought himself stronger than this, but now returning here, where it had all begun, he realised it would _always_ be too soon.

"What are you so nervous about?" Xion laughed beside him, neatly sliding her hand into his as they ambled their way up along the driveway. They could have easily driven up closer to park near the house, but Roxas had wanted to avoid as much fanfare at his arrival as possible. It was better this way. "I know you haven't seen them all for a while, but don't you get along with everyone?"

Roxas shrugged noncommittally and weakly squeezed her hand. She was a nice girl, really, but sometimes…he wondered what the hell he was doing with her. "I get on with everyone more or less. I guess it's just all the radio silence in between seeing each other I'm worried about. I feel guilty more than anything, since I'm the one who moved away."

He told himself it wasn't necessarily a lie. If he said it out loud enough times, maybe he could even convince himself to believe it. One thing was for certain – he definitely felt guilty, but not for the same reasons he was admitting to Xion.

"I'm sure they understand, Roxas. If you hadn't left for uni then where would you be now? Working in your dad's garage? They can't blame you for following your dreams." The light breeze fluttered Xion's blue summer dress prettily around her calves and played havoc with her short black hair. She swiped a few strands out of her eyes impatiently. A single Poinciana flower petal was tangled in the hair beside her ear; a dash of red stark against solid obsidian and the paleness of her skin. Roxas idly wondered if any had fallen on him too.

He glanced over at her, meeting her comforting smile with a strained one of his own. "Yeah, I know that, but I don't really have an excuse for not visiting for the last two years. The family's pretty tight knit; I'm gonna get an ear bashing for sure."

Xion's eyes twinkled and she bumped her shoulder lightly against his. "I can't help you with _that_ , but if you really want to leave early, you can always use me as an excuse. I don't mind."

Roxas' smile became more genuine as he gently bumped her shoulder back. She really was too good for him. "It'll be okay; I'm probably just worried over nothing."

Still holding hands, Roxas and Xion steadily made their way towards the weathered country house situated at the end of the drive. They weaved around several stationary cars that were all haphazardly parked out the front and then picked their way through the wild remnants of a grand garden, before sidling down the right side of the house. Roxas pulled open an elaborate wrought iron gate that was flaked and rusted from a thousand summer storms and ushered Xion through to the festivities in the backyard beyond.

In hindsight, arriving late had _definitely_ been a better idea. Since everyone was most likely already here and giddy on homemade wine and good conversation, maybe nobody would notice them slipping in…

Roxas adjusted the small gift bag in his right hand and held on tighter to Xion's delicate fingers clasped in his left. He quickly ran his eyes down his own frame, making sure his short-sleeved button down shirt and jeans were neat and presentable. He silently drew in a breath and readied himself; a smile he hoped was convincing already pulling at his cheeks.

They rounded the side of the house and immediately stepped into a party that was in full swing; there were people of all ages everywhere. Men standing in small circles laughing and clinking unlabelled, homemade bottles of beer; women fussing over boisterous children and overseeing long tables groaning under a multitude of bowls and serving dishes – salads of every kind, and curried eggs; local German sausages, delicious brandy trifles and vanilla bean custard slices. There were tables and chairs scattered here and there, but not a lot of people were sitting, except maybe more of the older folk, with their ever-present walking sticks and big, floppy sun-hats.

The beautiful weather was just too nice not to enjoy to the fullest; the long, sturdy branches of an ancient Jacaranda enveloping the entirety of the people gathered beneath its welcoming shade. Soft purple flowers fell all around, gracefully floating onto people's plates and resting in their hair and on their shoulders. There was a lot of laughter; a lot of happy, smiling faces. Children raced each other through the grownup's legs, their giggles and cries carrying loudly. It was heart-warming to be a part of a gathering so perfectly joyful and carefree. Despite his nervousness, Roxas felt himself relaxing. His grandfather's guests were all thrilled to be here – delighted in coming together on this picturesque, summer day, solely to celebrate the wise man's one hundred years of life on God's green earth.

Roxas longingly eyed a nearby table boasting a multitude of ice buckets filled with different wines and beer bottles; a couple rows of empty wine glasses and highballs situated off to the side. Most of the drinks present at this party were made by his Uncle Sephiroth, who was renowned for his local specialties. The man was a genius when it came to making wine, but had only just begun dabbling in brewing a range of craft beers as well. If the merriness of the crowd now surrounding them was anything to go by, his uncle's experimental brew was becoming a fast favourite. He wanted a drink to help calm his nerves – to make the afternoon pass a little easier, but logically he knew it wasn't a good idea.

Leading Xion along again, Roxas promptly began searching through the crowd for a familiar mess of blond spikes which would be his first port of call. His father and mother would be together somewhere close by, possibly over near his grandfather who would have the place of honour squarely in front of the base of the giant Jacaranda. He knew he would have to find and greet the rest of his extended family as well, but for now he needed to be grounded. His cousins would definitely notice his presence soon, (if they hadn't already) and would be making a beeline towards him; all too happy to welcome him back home after his distant, extended absence.

One of his cousins in particular instantly stood out in his mind and Roxas swallowed around the lump settling into the back of his throat. He knew _that_ particular reunion was inevitable and there was nothing he could do to avoid it. The one person he dreaded seeing the most would be actively seeking him out, so all he could do was prolong their meeting for as long as he could. Once he found his parents and congratulated his grandfather, it would be all too easy to fade into the background. Maybe he could find his cousin Ven and disappear down to the creek for a while, the green lush of their current surroundings affording him more than enough places to vanish in and hide. Xion being a city girl would definitely enjoy the untouched serenity and beauty of his grandfather's country estate, as well. Roxas didn't care how cowardly it might look; he had done his familial duty and made an appearance for his grandfather, but that was as far as his obligations went. Apart from touching base with his extended family, and blatantly avoiding _him,_ Roxas had no latent desire to stand around making small talk with people he would most likely never endeavour to see again.

Familiar faces were beginning to jump out at him as he walked amongst the parties' guests. He caught Yuffie's eye and waved minutely in return as she all but jumped up and down in her excitement at seeing him. His Aunt Aqua was next to spot him, a three-year-old Namine held securely against her hip. She too waved and pointed over at him, whispering in Namine's ear. Namine just blinked owlishly. The last time Roxas had seen her, she'd only been a year old. There was no way she would recognise him now. He returned the wave all same. He had always liked his Aunt Aqua and Uncle Terra, and their son Ventus was one of Roxas' closest friends.

Many people present were old friends and colleagues of his grandfather; a lot of others were his past students. Roxas' grandfather, Yen Sid had once been a well-respected school teacher; starting out in his younger days teaching at the local primary school and eventually working his way up to become a renowned university professor. He'd been retired for a number of years now, but had always remained passionate about sharing his vast knowledge and helping others receive a sound education. He was a good, kind-hearted man; his generosity seemingly as endless as his long grey beard. Everyone present recognised his countless achievements over the years and happily celebrated his rich and wondrous life with him. At the grand old age of a hundred years, Grandfather Yen Sid still had a lot of fire left in him. He might not have taught a regular class for some time, but many still came to his home seeking advice, which he was always more than happy to give.

Roxas caught sight of his older cousin Leon standing over by a barbecue with metal tongs in hand. Leon noticed him too not a second later, his eyes widening slightly in surprise. He offered Roxas a small nod and smile in greeting before turning back to the person next to him who was engaging him in conversation. Roxas instantly felt truly selfish for trying to excuse himself from being here; his family really _were_ all good, kind people. He had just spent so much time and effort avoiding _him_ for so long, that if he were to suddenly encounter the embodiment of his broken heart again, he wasn't so sure how well he could hide his wayward emotions. The fact that he had Xion with him meant absolutely nothing. Fortunately, he'd known this day was going to come sooner or later and he'd had more than enough time to prepare. He was certain he could act calm and collected easily, and was determined to survive the afternoon with his dignity intact.

Shuffling around another small group of people that all acknowledged them and grinned in welcome, Roxas finally spotted who he was looking for. Over on the very far edge of the gathering stood his father, Cloud, and his mother, Tifa. Their hair was their most distinguishable features and Roxas had always looked for 'yellow and black' whenever he'd gotten lost as a child. They were both facing away from him but his father's spray of blond spikes and his mother's sleek black hair were like a beacon of hope as he immediately started pulling Xion in their direction. It was only after he moved closer and had a clear line of sight that he realised who they were speaking to and his heart sank considerably. They were standing amongst a small group of people that Roxas instantly recognised. It was his Uncle Zack and Aunt Aerith, and one of their mutual family friends, Cid. The five of them all had drinks in hand, their expressions cheerful as the festivities continued on around them.

Hoping to make as smooth an entrance as possible, Roxas let go of Xion and placed his hand on his father's shoulder; instantly drawing the older man's attention. Cloud turned, his clear blue eyes questioning until they widened in recognition, a small contented smile playing over his lips. "I was wondering when you were going to get here."

Roxas grinned apologetically, his eyes darting over everyone present before returning his attention back to his father and mother. "Hey, yeah, sorry we're late. Our GPS took us way off course."

"Sure, sure," Tifa teased from Cloud's right. "Like I haven't heard you use _that_ one before."

Cloud shuffled slightly to the side, wordlessly inviting Roxas and Xion to join their circle of conversation.

"It's good to see ya, Rox – was beginnin' to think ya forgot about us." Cid lamented loudly, the grin on his face ruthless.

Roxas just rolled his eyes in mock annoyance; he was already expecting to receive a dozen wise-cracks today about his two-year absence, so of course Cid would be the first to deliver. Opening his mouth to answer with a jab of his own, the words promptly died on his lips as he was suddenly yanked forward by the wrist and pulled into a bear hug so tight his ribs creaked in protest.

"Roxas, is that _you?"_ His Uncle Zack boomed into his ear, squeezing him again and rocking them both jauntily from side to side. Somewhere off to their right, his mother laughed, obviously enjoying his current predicament. Zack jerked backwards and grabbed him by the shoulders instead; the grin on his face wide and honest. "Hell, how long has it been since we saw you last? A year? Two?"

"It's been two," Cloud informed Zack, Tifa tutting and nodding in agreement. She jokingly tried to look stern, her eyes narrowing. "He's a terrible son; doesn't visit as often as he should!"

Zack slapped Roxas on the back and threw back his head and laughed. "Hah! You're telling _me!"_ He gestured to Xion standing quietly at Roxas' side, the bottle of beer in his hand swinging wildly and nearly smacking a scowling Cid in the face. _"_ And who's this lovely young lady, Rox? She's gorgeous, you lucky dog!" His Aunt Aerith nodded along in agreement as her husband continued to laugh. She smiled kindly over at them both. Xion blushed a pretty pink at the off-handed compliment and smiled back shyly. She clasped her hands in front of her and moved closer to Roxas.

Roxas laughed along too, only feeling slightly embarrassed over Zack's rumbustious behaviour. His uncle's personality was comforting in its familiarity; he never really changed. He had always been a bouncing ball of energy and cheer…just like his son…

Feeling everyone's eyes still on him, Roxas blinked away the traitorous memories surging to the forefront of his mind and slid an arm around Xion's waist; pulling her flush against him. He hurried to introduce her. "Ah, this is my girlfriend, Xion. We met at HBU." He smiled down at her, giving her a light squeeze. "Xi, this is my uncle, Zack, a friend of the family, Cid and my aunt, Aerith – and you remember my mum and dad. Aerith and my mum are sisters." Roxas gestured to Zack, Cid, Aerith and his parents in turn as he said their names, Xion smiling warmly and giving them each a small nod in greeting. "It's lovely to meet you all, and it's good to see you again, Tifa, Cloud. I've never been this far north before, so it's a nice change from the city."

"It really is beautiful up here, isn't it?" Aerith said, her fingers playing idly with the plastic straw in her glass of punch. "The weather is just perfect this time of year, too." Her striking green eyes looked to Roxas then, her kind smile still in place. "Roxas, have you seen Sora yet? He's very excited to catch up with you."

"Yeah, he's been missing you, bud," Zack interjected, Roxas not missing the way his uncle suddenly stood up straighter; a challenging gleam in his eyes, "– says you never answer his calls or texts anymore."

Roxas' fingers tightened around Xion's waist and he shifted in place nervously. Everyone was now silently waiting for his answer. Despite Xion's earlier reassurance, Roxas had known this _exact_ conversation was going to eventuate, whether he wanted it to or not. The guilt and anxiety he had desperately been trying to keep at bay since arriving here instantly flooded to the surface. He was a fool for ever thinking Zack wouldn't take the slight on his younger son personally.

His paranoia briefly flaring, Roxas' common sense rapidly kicked in and assured him he was being worried for nothing. There was no logical way anyone present here, or anyone else in his family for that matter, would know the true reason he had so persistently cut Sora out of his life.

In a manner of seconds, Roxas had smoothly stepped into the persona he had specifically rehearsed at home for this exact situation. He schooled his features into the very picture of confused innocence; the practiced lies falling perfectly from his lips.

"I…stupidly lost my phone a while back and all of my contacts, but I did get his number off Ven again and tried calling a few times…Did he mention receiving anything from me? I only ever got message bank. I've honestly never gotten anything from him…"

Zack opened his mouth to reply, but his gaze suddenly shifted to the left; his attention drawn over Roxas' shoulder. Roxas' entire world instantly narrowed to the only person he knew could _possibly_ be standing behind him. The breath in his lungs stalled. He started to turn.

Warm hands slid around his waist, fingers of one hand wriggling between him and Xion as he was sharply pulled backwards against a firm, lean chest. Roxas idly noted Xion stepping away from him, her eyes curious; the hands of the person embracing him splaying briefly across his chest before curling more closely around his sides.

"I've never gotten so much as a _single_ text from you! Not a one!" Sora grouched good-naturedly into Roxas' ear. He rested his chin on Roxas' shoulder, his arms squeezing him just that little bit closer.

Roxas gurgled out an awkward laugh that he couldn't quite stifle in time and willed himself to remain calm. His heart immediately attempted jumping out from behind his ribs. Sora was too close – he was always _too damn close_. Painfully aware of what his face might be revealing, Roxas angrily told himself to pull it together. Hating himself for it, but unable to fully control himself, Roxas shifted subtly and brushed his cheek against Sora's own, breathing in the other man's nostalgic scent. He leaned into the embrace fleetingly, savouring Sora's familiar warmth seeping through the thin cotton of his shirt.

The smile felt tight and strained on his face, but Roxas hoped it looked convincing. He lifted his hands and tugged at Sora's wrists, the pads of his fingers tingling at the contact between their bare skin. "Well, that's pretty weird," he laughed, "Cause I've sent over a dozen messages, or more. Maybe I…better check the number."

Sora's arms loosened from around his waist before releasing him altogether and Roxas immediately turned, the words nearly dying in his throat as they finally faced each other.

They were both 25 now, but where Sora had always been a little on the skinny side and gangly, he was now all lean muscle and strong, smooth curves. He looked like a model in his plain white t-shirt and denim cargo shorts. Roxas had heard from Ventus that Sora had taken up professional surfing and was actually quite good at it; he was planning on competing in a national competition at the end of summer. The stony smile was still locked in place but Roxas' eyes raced over Sora's features, greedily drinking him in. Those beautiful blue eyes he could endlessly fall into, the flutter of his dark lashes, the sweep of his cheek bones and perfectly bowed lips. Everything about Sora, Roxas silently worshipped, right down to the very roots of his wildly styled, chocolate brown hair.

_Oh God…_ Why did this have to be so _hard?_

Ever since he was 16, Roxas had never loved anyone else.

And it couldn't just be the type of love he held for Xion – something simple and light-hearted – no. The love Roxas held for Sora was all-consuming, like the walls of a dam violently bursting and wasting everything in its path – like an uncontrollable fire, desolating rain-parched forests and a thousand family homes in its ferocity. For so long, for so many sleepless nights he'd wish his feelings for his cousin never existed, and ask himself _why_ – over and over again. Why did he have to fall in love with _him?_

"Sora, hey! It's been a while, huh?"

Sora huffed, his bottom lip jutting out slightly in a pout before melting into a wide, cheery grin. "That's the understatement of a century – it's felt like a lifetime!" He lightly tapped his knuckles against Roxas' sternum. "Don't even think about leaving today without getting my number. I don't know who the hell you've been calling, but it definitely hasn't been me!"

"Oi, Sora, where's my beer? I'm dryin' out over here!" Cid interrupted, noticing Sora's hands clearly empty.

Sora blinked in surprise before his expression quickly turned sheepish. He rubbed at the back of his head nervously, his trademark grin back in place. "Er, I saw Rox heading over here and kinda forgot. Sorry, old man."

Cid was _not_ impressed. "That'd be right, nobody worry about poor, ol' Cid…" He left the group for the drink's table, grumbling all the while.

"Hey, get me another one too, Cid! The pale ale!" Zack called after the older man's retreating form.

"I want a lager…" Cloud murmured, looking after Cid too.

"And a lager for Cloud!" Zack loudly added, some other guests near them turning to see what all the commotion was about.

Cid flipped a hand into the air, letting them know he'd heard before they lost sight of him amongst the other partygoers.

"I'll go help him. I wouldn't mind another glass of that honey wine – it's so sweet!" Aerith said, placing a hand on Zack's arm. She looked around at everyone questioningly. "Does anyone else want a drink?"

"Yes. Please." Roxas cut in. "A beer would be _great_." He surreptitiously glanced over at Sora now standing beside him and inwardly sighed. He hadn't expected to be cornered so soon. Any kind of liquid courage right now would be _more_ than welcome.

"I'll have something non-alcoholic please; anything's fine," Xion requested, Aerith nodding in turn before also leaving to follow Cid.

With everyone's drinks sorted, Sora immediately focussed all of his attention back on Roxas, his eyes instantly alighting on Xion at Roxas' side. "Who's this, Rox? Is this your girlfriend?" He beamed over at Xion, flashing his perfectly straight teeth. The weird tension going unnoticed by her, Xion smiled happily and gave Sora a small wave. "Yes, I'm Xion. It's nice to meet you, Sora."

"Likewise," Sora returned, before training his eyes back on Roxas. "So are you guys up here for the week then? Or just a couple of days? Leon was only saying the other day that he couldn't even remember the last time he saw you – me too actually, when I think about it! I can't believe I had your number wrong! _Man,_ I shoulda asked your mum or something, I feel like the biggest idiot!"

His mind racing, Roxas went for casual and silently congratulated himself when his answer came out sounding natural. "Don't even worry about it, I was wondering about that, too. I thought it was weird you weren't replying…" Out of the corner of his eye Roxas caught his parents exchanging glances with each other; Tifa offering Cloud a small shrug. Years ago, before he even started contemplating moving away, Roxas had told them he and Sora had had an irreparable falling out, so the casualness of this entire conversation was probably coming across as odd to them.

Roxas had to wonder as well…Sora liked to play the goofball, but in reality he was actually quite perceptive. The fact that he was being so nonchalant about Roxas blatantly ignoring him for years and then outright lying about it to his face seemed _completely_ …out of character. No matter what game Sora was trying to play, Roxas was determined not to care; he didn't even want to tell him how long he was in town for. After today, if he could help it, he never planned on seeing Sora again.

"If you've got time to spare, you could come round to ours for dinner tomorrow night? Leon's fully qualified now and works down at Geppetto's – makes the best damn lasagne I've _ever_ tasted," Zack suggested, landing a large hand on one of Sora's shoulders, who smiled at Roxas encouragingly. Roxas inwardly cringed, subtly reaching for Xion's hand that was brushing against the back of his own. Xion felt his touch and promptly twined their fingers together.

"Yeah, we'll have to see how long we end up staying at Hayner's. We're going round to his tomorrow afternoon." Roxas told them, relieved for once not to have to lie through his teeth. This conversation was already thoroughly exhausting him. It was time to make an escape.

Sora frowned; he didn't even try to hide his disappointment. Roxas braced himself for the argument he knew was coming when all of a sudden, Sora's eyes widened in surprise. He abruptly craned his neck over his shoulder; Roxas trying hard not to stare at the taut muscles shifting beneath all that tanned skin. His eyes rested minutely on the silver crown pendant Sora wore around his neck that he was never seen without. It figured that he would still be wearing it, just to rub salt into Roxas' wounds. Zack released Sora's shoulder and looked over at the other guests as well; obviously curious as to who his son was looking for.

"I can't believe I forgot," Sora murmured, still peering intently at the groups of people standing behind them. He paused, then – "Hey Kairi! Come over here a sec! I want you to meet some people!"

Roxas' entire body went still. His chest ached anew as a pretty young woman with burgundy-red hair and bright blue eyes started making her way through the crowd over to them; a fond smile dimpling her cheeks. When she finally came within normal speaking range, Sora swiftly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, giving her an affectionate squeeze. "Guys, this is my girlfriend, Kairi – Kairi meet my cousin Roxas and his girl, Xion. They've come all the way up here from the big city!"

One simple sentence and Roxas' worst fears were confirmed. Of course Sora would have a girlfriend by now…it would've been weird if he didn't. He felt himself die just a little bit more on the inside.

"Hey guys, nice to meet you both," Kairi cheerfully answered, tucking a few wayward strands of hair behind her ear. "That's a pretty long way to travel; did you fly up this morning?" She pressed the bottle of beer she was holding into Sora's waiting hand, who accepted it without question and promptly brought it to his lips. Roxas watched the bottle's ascent for a split second before panicking and shifting his gaze to the grass between his feet. Maybe if he willed it hard enough, the ground would open up beneath him and swallow him whole.

Xion sensing Roxas' sudden disquiet squeezed his hand once and quietly cleared her throat. "Yes, we're up here for the whole weekend. We got a hire car so we could explore a little bit and visit a few of Roxas' old friends." Roxas just nodded, still trying to avoid looking directly at the perfect couple in front of him, but, _damn it_ , they looked so good together. He fiddled with the handle of the gift bag he was still toting and wondered if his smile looked as painful as it felt.

Finishing the last of Kairi's beer, Sora, like a dog with a bone was all too quick to cut in, "That's great! We should go out on a double date before you go back. It'd be good to have a proper catch up, since it's been so long." Kairi hummed in approval; Sora's big blue eyes wide and hopeful.

Cloud snorted and actually grinned. " _Double date…"_ He stole a glance at Tifa who was also trying to suppress a broad smile of her own.

Roxas rolled his eyes skyward and ignored the both of them, even if he was thinking the same thing. "Yeah, that sounds pretty good actually," He lied through his teeth, his eyes shifting to somewhere just left of Sora's chin. "I'll have to make sure of what we've got planned, exactly, but if nothing works out; we can always catch up today."

"Touché," Kairi said, smiling over at Sora and then at Roxas and Xion. "We'll work something out; we're pretty flexible."

"Flexible…right," Roxas mumbled, trying to keep his growing confusion from showing too plainly on his face. It just seemed strange somehow, like there was something crucial he wasn't being told. It almost looked like Sora wanted to get him alone and Roxas would be _damned_ if he ever allowed _that_ to happen.

Roxas cleared his throat just a little too loudly and turned to the group as a whole. "We're just going to go say hello to Grandfather Yen Sid, and then we'll be back…Maybe say hello to Ven along the way, too."

Sora's expression was still so open and honest it made Roxas' heart twist painfully just to see it. "Sure! We'll be around here somewhere. When you get back, your drinks will probably be here, too."

Roxas hated lying, hated more that Sora looked at him with such unguarded relief and hope in his eyes. Yes, they had been close once, but now, Sora just didn't seem to get it – he just had to keep pushing the issue of their neglected friendship. Roxas had never exactly spelled it out for him, but his behaviour over the years should have made it perfectly obvious. He didn't _want_ to be friends, and it seemed like everyone but Sora could see that. _Why_ did he have to keep chasing after him? Couldn't he just accept that the way things were between them was for the _best?_

Pushing his destructive thoughts back down, Roxas threw another reassuring smile Sora and Kairi's way, before turning away and leading Xion back towards the base of the Jacaranda tree. Grandfather Yen Sid would be waiting there. Xion hurried her steps to keep up with Roxas' long strides as he rushed to put as much distance between him and Sora as physically possible.

"…Are you okay? You're trembling…" Xion murmured quietly. She offered the slightest bit of comfort by squeezing Roxas' hand held tightly within her own.

Roxas nodded in reply, still facing forward as he manoeuvred them around several small groups of other guests, wonky round tables and white plastic chairs. He knew he probably looked relatively calm on the outside, but inside he was positively screaming. He shuddered in a deep breath.

"I'm okay. Sora and I…just had a big falling out a couple years ago. It's still a bit weird between us."

Xion frowned, weaving around some children playing with Tonka trucks and soldiers in the cool, green grass underfoot. "Really? Well, he seemed awfully happy to see you again, so maybe it's all water under the bridge, now?"

Roxas stopped walking and looked back at her, his expression completely unguarded for one brief moment. The guilt rose in him like a tsunami sucking at the coastline.

"Yeah. Maybe."

It was obvious she didn't understand – that she could tell there was more to the story, but Xion just smiled all the same, offering Roxas whatever comfort she could possibly give.

Roxas shakily gave her a smile of his own, but it wasn't hiding anything. He looked away and kept moving forward. He really didn't deserve her…especially when he knew he could never love her the way she wanted him to.

-0-

Summer.

Although the seasons were all fairly similar in his part of the world, summer was easily Roxas' favourite. Every year until he was 16, Roxas would spend the entirety of his summer holidays at Grandfather Yen Sid's home in the countryside. As far as he could recall, his grandfather's house had always had an old, rundown look about it – a weathered Queenslander that was still elevated on its original wooden stumps, with flaking off-white paint, and two sweeping sets of rickety stairs that led to the front and back doors of the house, respectively, straight onto the wrap-around veranda.

Those long, hot summers spent there defined his childhood, where he and his cousins – Leon, Sora and Ventus would have countless adventures, the grass-filled paddocks and rolling hills their limitless backyard. A freshwater creek ran right through the heart of the property where they would fish for barramundi and catfish on homemade hand lines, and when the soaring summer temperatures got particularly stifling and made their shirts stick to their backs they would swing off a frayed hemp rope for hours, splashing down into the cool refreshing water below.

In the failing light of the afternoon, the air would be thick with the sweet scent of the nearby Poinciana and Jacaranda, the lingering heat finally dissipating as they climbed along tree branches to snatch up handfuls of finger-staining mulberries and ripe, fragrant peaches.

When night fell and their rumbling stomachs forced them inside, they would all help their grandfather make dinner – hearty lamb and vegetable stews and potato-topped shepherd's pie. They would lounge around watching cartoons on television or get overly competitive over a game of monopoly before sharing their favourite bedtime stories and falling into peaceful, vibrant dreams. It was a beautiful time in Roxas' life and he and his cousins, along with their grandfather spent many memorable days there together.

It would only be years later, after Roxas' started becoming a man that things began changing for the worse.

Leon was Sora's older brother and where Roxas and Sora were both the same age, Leon was three years their senior. Ventus was only two years older than the two younger boys, so naturally due to their age differences, ended up spending a lot more time with Leon. This meant that Roxas and Sora were usually left to their own devices, gallivanting far and wide across the picturesque countryside that afforded them such endless opportunity for fun and mischief.

Growing up, Roxas and Sora were the closest of friends; there wasn't anything they wouldn't share with each other. If they could only reach one peach between them from high up on the tree they would each eat a half, passing it back and forth between them until only the ridged seed was left. They would ride one pushbike across the lush paddocks and rough dirt tracks, taking turns at pedalling while the other sat on the handlebars. After dinner they would play fight and wrestle in the old, claw-foot bathtub, water and suds sloshing all over the tiled floor. They even shared a toothbrush for a time until their grandfather kindly explained to them the basics of personal hygiene and at night they slept curled together like two baby koalas, Sora sneaking into Roxas' comfier bed when all of the lights were out. They loved each other – it was innocent and pure, and Roxas was so very happy to have found his best friend so close to home.

He could still vividly recall the exact day he realised the love he had for Sora was no longer entirely innocent. He was six years old and he and Sora were lazing around inside the house for once, Disney's Snow White playing on the television. The handsome prince leaned down for a kiss, a small subtle brush of lips and the enchanted princess instantly awoke from her accursed slumber. It was true love, unlike any they had ever seen before and it was simply magical. Sora was enraptured; so was Roxas. His first thought had been that he wanted to kiss Sora like that, too, and so he did. Sora flushed all the way up to the roots of his messy brown hair, but still smiled shyly and was instantly pleased. They loved each other, so why not do this as well? They had never considered for a second that what they were doing was wrong.

" _That's gross! You can't do that!"_ A nine-year-old Leon exclaimed one day, catching sight of Sora kissing Roxas' cheek.

" _Why not?"_ Sora had questioned, honestly confused and curious.

Roxas had just felt angry. " _Yeah! Why can't we?"_

Leon had only shaken his head and laughed at them both. Didn't they know that boys were only allowed to kiss girls, and only the one they wanted to be with forever? Boys did _not_ kiss other boys, especially not within their own _family._ It was weird and _wrong_. Nobody did such a thing.

Sora had been sad and disappointed, but he'd understood well enough of what Leon was saying. Roxas had felt mostly upset and embarrassed…he still didn't understand. He didn't want to be with a girl forever and only kiss her – he wanted to be with Sora.

It was only downhill from there. Eventually, Roxas understood the way the world worked and how it generally wasn't accepted to have romantic feelings for another boy. Specifically, for him, Roxas came to realise that _his_ love and _Sora's_ love were two entirely different things, and unfortunately in his case, being in love with his first cousin was something so forbidden and _disgusting_ that decent folk never spoke of such things. _Incest,_ it was called and Roxas learned that what he felt for Sora was abnormal and perverted and _wrong,_ which in turn made he, himself _wrong_ for even feeling that way, and he had no idea how to fix himself.

When he'd first realised his unsettling attraction to Sora and the full extent of his feelings, Roxas had immediately tried distancing himself, but it hadn't worked. Sora had noticed his odd, gradual detachment and the betrayed look in his eyes had been too much for Roxas to bear. So, Roxas had kept it a secret – a secret that slowly corroded away at him; devouring him from the inside out.

Everything came to a head when Roxas turned 16. That summer was the clincher. As his body went through the changes from boy to man, his hormones fairly _raged;_ he couldn't stand being in Sora's presence anymore. He tried desperately to pretend nothing was different, but he couldn't help it; couldn't act like everything was okay when it wasn't.

He'd catch himself staring at beads of water tracking slowly down Sora's thin chest after they'd been swimming in the creek – found his mind wandering when Sora's expression would melt into bliss when he ate something that tasted amazing – would lose his mind all over again with a slide of an arm around his shoulders, or the brush of a hand against the back of his own. Sora's warm affectionate smile had Roxas trying to convince himself it meant something more…but, ultimately, it _never would_.

They sneak out of the house one afternoon, stealing through rolling, overgrown paddocks and far across the busy current of the meandering creek to somewhere where they wouldn't be found easily; a bottle of their grandfather's old mulberry port hidden safe beneath Sora's shirt. They stumble across one of the biggest Poinciana trees Roxas has ever seen and so they help each other climb up to the very top, eventually stopping to rest amongst the riot of scarlet flowers shifting all around them, the branch supporting them gently bobbing in the fine summer breeze.

The sun was setting; the clouded blue sky fading and bleeding into soft purples, warm pinks and vivid reds and oranges. Roxas found it so very beautiful. He looked to Sora and his heart thumped harder in his chest. Sora had his head thrown back, the bottle of mulberry port brought to his lips, the curve of his throat and the way his eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks as he drank took Roxas' breath away.

They sat like that for a time, just gazing out at the sunset; comfortable in their companionable silence. Their thighs and shoulders touched as they passed the bottle of port back and forth, taking small sips as the hum and thrill of cicadas reached a fever pitch in the branches below their swinging feet.

Sora looked out in front of them, a small smile curving his lips. _"You know…you really mean the world to me, Rox. I wish we could be like this forever…"_

Roxas froze, his eyes widening. _Could he really mean…?_

Sora passed him the half-empty bottle of port and time stood still. Roxas leaned over to accept the offered bottle and covered Sora's hand with his own. It was in that moment, when Sora turned to look at him, that Roxas pressed a small, tender kiss to his lips.

" _I…I feel the same. I love you too, Sora."_

The port bottle caught between them, Roxas pulled Sora flush against him, holding him close. He felt elated and dizzy from his confession, his heart soaring. Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined Sora would share his feelings.

Sora was so still in his arms. _"Roxas, I…are you drunk already? I mean, I love you, too, and you're like a brother to me, but…"_

The breath caught in Roxas' throat, his arms turning rigid around Sora's shoulders.

_Oh God…What have I done?_

He jerkily pushed himself away; a wide, painful smile carved into his features. He breathed out a laugh. _"Jeez, what did you think I meant? Of course you're like a brother to me, too – I was only trying to freak you out!"_

There was a pause, uncertainty colouring Sora's eyes until he laughed too, shoved at Roxas' shoulder. _"Holy crap, you had me going there for a sec! What kinda joke is that? Oi, gimme the bottle back!"_

Roxas laughed harder, praying it wasn't coming across as hysterical as he teasingly kept the port bottle out of Sora's reach. _Like a brother…_ was echoing around and around inside of his head.

His heart felt shattered into a million jagged pieces, and nothing would ever be the same between them again.

He did it gradually to avoid as much suspicion as possible but Roxas eventually cut Sora off completely. After his devastating confession in the Poinciana tree, he immersed himself in his schooling, and dated girl, after girl, after _girl_ and took on several after-school jobs. He made sure he was always too busy – anything to avoid seeing Sora.

That was the last time he ever went to his grandfathers for the summer.

He stopped answering Sora's calls, only sent vague text messages in reply (if he bothered to answer at all) and slowly, but surely, Sora confused and hurt finally caught on to what was happening. He backed off for a time and Roxas breathed a sigh of relief until tenacious as ever, Sora came after him. The harder Roxas pushed him away, the harder Sora tried to pull him back. Roxas never outright told Sora he didn't want to be friends anymore, but he couldn't do it, not when he didn't know what he would say in the face of Sora's desperate confusion. No, it was better this way – it had to be.

Their familial ties kept them permanently linked, and they still saw each other occasionally at family gatherings, but that was as far their friendship now went. The fact that their mothers were sisters meant Roxas would never be completely free of Sora and this was the part of their bond he came to despise the most. If only they hadn't been related…how different would things be...?

It became easier to avoid Sora after he graduated from school, Roxas choosing to study at the university furthest away from his home town, until finally, he managed to secure a hard won placement at a more prestigious school down south in the capital.

He had hoped that his feelings would gradually diminish as the distance between them increased, but it only seemed to make his heart yearn for Sora more. He mourned him, as if he was dead – the loss of his best friend and unrequited love. His broken heart never healed.

-0-

Roxas and Xion ambled their way towards the ancient Jacaranda tree; three-year-old Namine holding both of their hands and swinging, suspended between them. She was a charming, cheerful little girl with a beautiful smile and Roxas had taken an instant liking to her.

It was late afternoon now, the sun sinking low in the sky and just starting to dip below the horizon; its constant dry heat easing along with it. Fortunately, for the people still enjoying the party, the lovely cool breeze still lingered. Many of Roxas' grandfather's guests had already left for home, only a few still present, relaxing and conversing quietly under the purple canopy of the Jacaranda. A single round table was being utilised, the remaining guests all relaxing around it in a wonky circle of white plastic chairs.

After Roxas and Xion had greeted Grandfather Yen Sid, Roxas had wasted no time in seeking out his cousin Ventus who had been all too happy to accompany them down to the nearby creek. They made brief conversation with a few more familiar faces along the way and Ventus stopped to bring Namine along too. It was only after Roxas moved to the city that he and Ventus became closer friends. It was nice to escape down to the creek and catch up and reminisce about their childhood; Ventus glad for the excuse as he wasn't too fond of large crowds. Roxas felt mildly childish about wandering off and not making more of an effort to socialise, but he knew if he stayed, Sora wasn't going to let up on him. After their brief conversation earlier, Roxas was too exhausted to put himself in a similar situation again. Watching Sora and Kairi being perfectly compatible with each other had been pure torture – a torture he did not feel like revisiting.

Ventus was walking on just ahead of them, finishing up a phone call he'd unexpectedly received from a colleague at work. He was saying his goodbyes just when he reached the circle of people under the Jacaranda. Everyone present all looked up and over at their approach, some calling out a few casual greetings with Ventus replying in kind before he fell into an unoccupied chair next to his father, Terra.

"Nami!" Aunt Aqua called from her seat over between Aunt Aerith and Tifa; Namine instantly squealing in delight at the sight of her and letting go of Roxas' and Xion's hands. She darted past her father's snatching hands, weaved around Uncle Zack's legs and ran straight into her mother's outstretched arms.

That left Roxas and Xion walking together on their own as they slowly made short work of the distance between them and the rest of the remaining crowd. Roxas quickly noted that his entire extended family was still present as well as a few of their closest family friends – Cid, Mickey, Donald and Goofy. His Uncle Sephiroth's lavish supply of boutique wine and beer had all been put away; everyone now sipping from glasses full of refreshing fruit punch which sat close at hand in tall jugs at the centre of the table.

Everyone was quietly jovial; conversing in their own little groups and enjoying each other's company, Roxas' eyes immediately flicking over towards Sora and Kairi, who both looked over at them. At the sight of him, Sora's face instantly fell into a frown. Pretending he hadn't noticed, Roxas took a deep breath and clasped Xion's hand. They had plans for dinner and were finally leaving for their hotel. Roxas couldn't have been more relieved that he'd successfully avoided having another awkward conversation with Sora.

"Are you heading off?" His father asked, realising they weren't moving to sit down and join them.

Roxas opened his mouth to answer in the affirmative when his grandfather suddenly broke off from his conversation with Mickey and interrupted him.

"Ah, Roxas will know where they are…" He mused aloud to Mickey, his eyes alighting on Roxas; a kind smile on his face. "Roxas, would you mind going upstairs and retrieving the family photo albums? I want to relive some of my memories with young Mickey here."

Roxas hesitated for a split second longer before smiling in return and nodding. "Sure, Grandfather. Are they still in the wardrobe in the green bedroom?"

"Precisely," Grandfather Yen Sid affirmed, his dark eyes twinkling.

Across the table from Roxas, Sora suddenly shot to his feet. "I'll help, Rox! Those albums are pretty heavy."

Roxas released Xion's hand and raised one of his in front of him, trying to dissuade Sora. "No, that's okay, Sor – I got this. It's only one box."

Sora's expression fell, his eyebrows furrowing. He gave Roxas a strange, assessing look. "…If you're sure?"

Roxas spared Sora one more fleeting glance before dismissing him altogether. He was already turning towards the house. "Yeah, I can manage. Thanks though," he threw over his shoulder in answer, feeling oddly passive aggressive for some reason.

"Hey, Xion, come sit beside me!" Kairi called cheerfully, patting the empty chair beside her.

Xion shrugged at Roxas and offered him a small smile before leaving his side and moving around the table to take Kairi up on her offer. Kairi leaned forward and poured her a tall glass of punch which Xion happily accepted as she sat down.

Roxas swiftly made his way across the lawn and over towards the set of stairs that led up into the rear of his grandfather's house. He was impatient to get this over and done with for his grandfather, and then he and Xion would say their goodbyes. Despite the way the day had begun, Roxas had really enjoyed his afternoon with Xion, Ventus and Namine, as they took their time strolling through once familiar paddocks and along the banks of the peaceful creek. It was just plain irritating to return to the rest of his family and have Sora's tenacity shoved back in his face. Even now, he could feel Sora's gaze following him constantly as he climbed up the back stairs, walked along the veranda and stepped into the house.

It was suffocating. He just wanted to go home.

Making his way further inside, Roxas was instantly assaulted with memory upon memory of his countless summers spent in this very same house. It was beautiful, but bittersweet to recall how happy he had been here. Everything had been so wonderful…until he had ruined it all…

Passing through the kitchen which still looked like it was straight out of a 1960's time warp and currently a disorganised mess of plates, crockery and leftover bread rolls, Roxas kept walking straight into the living room where he skirted around overstuffed armchairs and past floor to ceiling bookcases that were crammed with years and years of collected knowledge. He turned into a short hallway which led to the three bedrooms of the house, immediately locating the door to the green bedroom specifically and twisting the old brass doorknob to enter.

The bedroom was exactly the same as he remembered; a moss-green quilted bed lay off to his immediate right, an old wooden dresser directly in front of him, while an old French, olive-coloured wardrobe sat close to his left.

Roxas wasted no time in walking over to it, flinging the wardrobe doors wide open. The contents inside were exactly what one would expect from a person who had been collecting possessions for decades – old stuffed toys, squashed felt hats and bulky winter coats; even a couple shelves full of more books, and right on the very top shelf was a large brown cardboard box with ' _Family',_ scrawled along one side in neat, cursive writing. Bingo.

Reaching up on the very tips of his toes, Roxas cursed his short stature for the umpteenth time and steadily jimmied the box forward, settling it more firmly within his grasp before attempting to lift it from the shelf. Grabbing a hold of the indented hand holds on the sides, Roxas braced himself to take the boxes' weight and slowly began lowering it to the floor. He turned to place it down on his left and immediately caught sight of two very familiar bare feet just visible from under the open wardrobe door.

Roxas paused, still stooped over the box with his hands locked in the indents and stared blankly at the feet in front of him. Biting back a sigh borne of frustration, he felt a slight wave of nausea wash over him.

Straightening, Roxas snapped the wardrobe doors closed with one smooth movement, his eyes instantly locking with the endless blue of Sora's.

They coolly studied each other for a moment, Sora's eyes subtly different to how Roxas remembered them; their depths darker somehow…his expression harder…

His irritation plain on his face, Roxas was the first to look away. He bent down to grab up the box again, the rough edges of the cardboard hand holds digging hard into his fingers. "I said I was right, Sora."

"You know…?" Sora began conversationally, his eyebrows creasing, "It's been bothering me for years now – but I still don't know what I did to you, to make you cut me out the way you did."

Roxas hefted the solid box in front of him and held it secure against his chest as he made to step around Sora, his answer noticeably evasive. "We just…grew apart, Sora, it happens. Everyone has to grow up sometime."

Sora's expression hardened, his tone of voice resolute. He stepped in front of Roxas, effectively blocking his path to the door. "I'm not an idiot, Roxas. That day we sneaked out with the mulberry port – I know you weren't jo –"

The cardboard box dropped like a stone to the floor, its bottom splitting open on impact and large tomes tumbling out at their feet; both of Roxas' hands now fisted hard into the fabric of Sora's shirt as he violently wreathed the other man forward until their noses were touching, their foreheads nearly knocking together. Sora's eyes flew wide.

"Finish that sentence – _I dare you!"_ Roxas spat into Sora's face, shaking him roughly.

" _Oh!"_

Both Roxas and Sora started in surprise, Roxas' hands loosening slightly as they both looked over towards the open doorway. Kairi was standing there, her eyes wary and frightened. "I-I'm sorry for interrupting! …Are you two having a fight?"

Growling low in his throat, Roxas deftly released Sora's shirt and stepped away from the mess of crumpled cardboard and albums at his feet. Honestly, could this day get any more difficult? He didn't care about niceties anymore – he just had to get out.

Saying nothing to either of them, Roxas avoided Sora's eyes as he swiftly stepped around him and attempted shoving his way past a skittish Kairi when a hand suddenly closed around his wrist, halting his hasty retreat.

"Hold on, we're not done here!" Sora groused, sharply pulling Roxas back away from the doorway and putting himself in between Roxas and Kairi. His anxiety mounting tenfold, and against his better judgement, Roxas waited silently as Sora bent down and retrieved the fallen albums from the floor, leaving the broken box in a small heap beside the wardrobe. He turned to Kairi, pressing the tomes into her hands. "Sorry, Kai, but could you give us a couple of minutes? We'll be down in a tick." Her expression serious, Kairi accepted the stack of albums without comment, supporting them on her forearms as her eyes flicked between Sora and Roxas nervously.

"Okay…I'll see you two downstairs."

With Kairi vanishing back the way she had come, Sora wasted no time in closing the bedroom door and pressing the small button on the knob to engage the lock. Roxas heard it and felt the raw panic setting in; he instantly felt trapped, his anger his last defence.

"I've got _nothing_ to say to you," He snapped, Sora turning back to face him and unexpectedly pulling him into a rough hug, his arms tight around Roxas' neck and shoulders. Roxas was stunned, frozen on the spot. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting at Sora's revelation about his confession that day, but it certainly hadn't been this. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides, his shoulders trembling.

"Look. I get it, Roxas, I really do. But it was a long time ago and I don't see why you can't just put it behind you." Sora spoke directly into his ear, his strong words turning hesitant. "I…want us to be friends again – how we used to be. You were my best friend and I miss having you around…in fact…I've missed you for years. Even before you left."

Roxas was silent for a few earth-shattering moments. He pulled back rigidly, his hands grasping hard around Sora's shoulders. "Put it _behind me?_ You want me to put my _feelings_ for you _behind me?"_

"Roxas, we were _kids,_ you were just confused," Sora smiled encouragingly, misreading the situation entirely. "But you've got a really cute girlfriend now and you two look great together. You just went through a phase, and sometimes, that's just a big part of growing up."

Roxas was visibly shaking now, his fingers clenching harder into Sora's shoulders. Sora's words cut at him, like a hot knife thrust violently in his abdomen and twisted under his ribs. Something deep inside of him snapped.

He couldn't take it anymore.

Consequences be damned, Roxas used his momentum against Sora and abruptly whirled them around, slamming Sora back hard against the bedroom wall. Taken completely by surprise, Sora was instantly stunned, the breath forced from his lungs. His blue eyes were impossibly wide, Roxas pushing forward to roughly press against him, preventing any attempts at escape. Roxas grabbed Sora's chin and forced him to look him in the eyes, his expression full of his anguish.

"I have _never_ stopped feeling for you."

Roxas smashed his lips down over Sora's, prying his mouth open and plunging his tongue deep inside. Sora choked and gasped and tried to jerk away but Roxas held him fast – grasping his chin harder, and pulling him back into the forceful kiss. Sora whimpered, his hands tearing at Roxas' shirt; desperate to get away.

Roxas bit at Sora's lip and pulled back slightly, staring hard into his frightened blue eyes. "I have _never_ stopped wanting you this way." He harshly grabbed Sora's hips and grinded his own into them, his body's reactions already lost to an impulse he'd been denying himself for far too long. "– and I can't _stand_ it, that I can _never have you!"_

" _Stop…"_ Sora whispered brokenly as he pushed at Roxas' shoulders; Roxas in turn, just pressing him more firmly into the wall and sliding his lips down the column of Sora's throat. He reached the juncture between shoulder and neck and bit down hard, his hips insistently shifting, his fingers digging into Sora's skin. Sora jerked and suddenly went still, his face clearly conveying his growing alarm. He could feel Roxas' obvious erection pressing against him. Panting lightly, his eyes snapped back to Roxas' own and balked at the determination he saw there. He slowly shook his head. " _You…_ we _can't_ do this…"

Roxas set his jaw and pulled Sora's hips sharply forward, perfectly aligning them with his. He felt Sora's body starting to react to the stimulation and felt a grim sense of satisfaction. There was a part of him that was screaming that it wasn't supposed to be like this – that this entire situation was horribly wrong, but Roxas' conscience was no longer in control. All of his focus was swiftly diverted downwards as Sora swelled within his pants. Still bruising Sora's hips with his fingers, Roxas purposely rubbed their clothed erections together; taking pleasure in Sora's answering hardness. Feeling the subtle movement between them instantly, Sora groaned; quietly horrified. The shock was beginning to wear off now, his expression turning serious with just a hint of underlying anger. He pushed harder at Roxas' shoulders, more insistent. "I mean it, Roxas – _let me go_."

Releasing one of Sora's hips, but still firmly holding them in place with his body, Roxas ghosted a hand along Sora's cheek before thumping his forearm into the wall beside his head; his hand clenching into a tight fist. "I'm tired of fighting," he murmured, his voice strained and his eyes full of his heavy sadness.

Still terribly unsettled by the intimate contact of their bodies, Sora had pressed his hands into the wall behind him as he tried to avoid causing more of the unwanted sensation from coursing through him. His eyes were filled with dread, almost pleading with Roxas to back off and release him. Roxas was having none of it. He'd come this far, hadn't he? …It was already done.

"I've tried so _hard_ to let you go _,_ but you just won't let me _be._ I move away, change my number and yet you still chase after me and just keep on calling and _calling –_ and Xion?" Roxas choked out a horrid laugh. "Yeah, she's great – she's a wonderful person, but she's _not you,_ Sora!"

Sora was silent now and so still, his chest rising and falling erratically as if he'd just run a mile. He flinched visibly as Roxas shifted the hand beside his head and gently cupped his cheek again. He trembled as Roxas whispered onto his bruised lips, years of helplessness and longing painting his features. " _Just…Just let me have this. Please…"_

Sora made a small noise of distress as he searched Roxas' face. Roxas knew Sora was too nice for his own good…he couldn't ignore this – couldn't pretend this wasn't happening. There was no way he would realise Roxas' pain and do nothing to help him, especially when he would blame himself for being the primary cause…

"They're waiting downstairs for us…" Sora whispered, his voice breaking. He was shaking again.

" _Sora…"_

Roxas slowly leaned forward and brushed their lips together, still holding Sora's gaze. Sora didn't break away this time, didn't move at all. His eyes stayed locked with Roxas' deep blues a moment longer, nervously searching – for what, Roxas wasn't sure, but slowly, deliberately his eyelids fluttered closed. His heart jumping, Roxas moaned into Sora's open mouth and closed his eyes too, feeling the way Sora was cautiously surrendering. Sora's hands slid from their position against the wall, only to hesitantly curl around Roxas' hips, his fingers trembling in the cotton fabric of Roxas' shirt. Sora breathed into his mouth and his body lost some of its tension; his head tilted slightly to the side, their lips seamlessly sliding together and Roxas was lost. Hungrily, he pressed into Sora again, a jolt of pleasure racing through his body as the feel of Sora still hard against him made him shudder and groan.

He slid his tongue along Sora's bottom lip, whimpered softly when the warmth and wet of Sora's tongue tentatively pressed into his mouth. They kissed for long moments, Roxas' hands slowly exploring, gliding around Sora's hips, pushing under his shirt and brushing up his stomach and teasing over peaked nipples. He started a slow, fluid pace, rolling their hips together deliciously.

" _Ahh…!"_ Sora panted and gasped for breath, his eyes still squeezed shut tight as he rested his head back against the wall. Roxas kissed and licked and pressed his tongue and lips down Sora's neck, paying close attention to any particular spots that made Sora's breaths hitch with obvious pleasure.

Sora's warm skin was so smooth and inviting under Roxas' fingertips – never, had he imagined that this would ever – _could ever_ happen. Fantasy had become an insane reality and he forced himself to pause, lazily drinking in the curve of Sora's neck, his shallow, panted breaths and the subtle faint, flush to his tanned skin. Sora's brilliant blue eyes slid open as Roxas pulled away from him, his hands still fisted into the fabric of Roxas' shirt. Roxas' eyes slid past Sora's bruised lips and down further, instantly enraptured by the way the fading afternoon light glinted off of the crown pendant around Sora's neck. It shifted with every one of Sora's quiet breaths, resting neatly in the small hollow between his clavicles. That _damn_ pendant…It had been the last gift he had ever given Sora, for his 16th birthday, and Roxas was both infuriated yet gloriously happy to see him still wearing it. After all these years, Roxas had never once seen him wear anything else. He didn't know what to make of it, really, but after so much time and silence between them, the fact that he was still wearing it spoke volumes. It seemed like Sora had never stopped missing him.

Trailing his fingers down the subtle ridges of Sora's abdomen, Roxas told himself he should be satisfied – with just this one chance to hold Sora like this, but he knew he wasn't. What he _really_ wanted, was _skin on skin._

Sora sucked in a startled breath and his hands tightened on Roxas' hips as Roxas' hands trailed lower still, his fingers fumbling with the top button on Sora's pants. One of Sora's hands closed over both of Roxas', halting his movements. "…Isn't this enough…?"

Roxas didn't look up, only pausing for a second before silently shaking his head. He ignored Sora's grip on his fingers and continued anyway, swiftly popping the button and pulling at the zipper. Sora went to speak but Roxas cut him off, sealing their mouths together again and pushing his tongue deep into his mouth. Sora moaned; pressed himself back hard into the wall as Roxas' lips eagerly followed him, keeping them connected. Roxas closed his eyes, relying on touch alone as he shifted the rough fabric of the cargo shorts out of the way and down, already pulling at the waistband of Sora's boxers. One of his hands dipped inside, his fingers instantly touching the warm, silken hardness hidden within. Sora writhed – unconsciously pressed himself into Roxas' hand as Roxas firmly grasped him, then released him, the tips of his fingers gently ghosting all the way down and then all the way up. He squeezed around the head; Sora gasping into his mouth, his hands returning to clench hard around Roxas' hips.

Roxas impatiently tugged Sora's shorts and boxers the rest of the way down, the fabric caught behind Sora and the wall, stopping them from falling completely to the floor. It was enough though, Sora now intimately bare before him, but Roxas didn't pause to look, his mouth releasing Sora's moist lips and returning to the beating pulse point on the other man's neck. His unoccupied hand pulled the buckle free on his belt, the button and zipper of his own pants following suit. The light tremble of Sora's body was infectious; Roxas pumping Sora slowly as he pulled himself free of his pants and rubbed forwards, pressing their naked erections close together.

" _Ahh…! R-Rox…!"_

_Oh God,_ Roxas thought desperately, _say it again…_

His name falling from those perfect lips was like a healing balm to his very soul.

Biting lightly at Sora's neck, both of Roxas' hands slid over and around them, twisting gently at the soft yet firm flesh. His thumbs smoothed over the heads of their erections pressed so close, massaging deftly into the minute openings he found there. He answered Sora's quiet moan with a lustful one of his own. He idly noted that he and Sora were roughly the same size, his fingers gliding through the fluid leaking from his own arousal, as well as Sora's and spreading it further over them. His tongue flicking over the reddened skin of Sora's neck, Roxas continued to slowly, but firmly stroke them both, one of his hands pulling free and lifting to his own mouth. He licked and laved along his palm, quickly collecting more moisture there before returning it down between them; Sora starting slightly as Roxas began a smooth, steady rhythm, their hips slowly rocking. Roxas pressed a lingering kiss into Sora's cheek and sought his lips again, Sora wordlessly obliging, panting into Roxas' mouth before accepting the hungry press of his lips. Sora hadn't opened his eyes for some time now, his eyebrows furrowed and his hands still grasping hard at Roxas' hips. As Roxas fluidly pressed forward, again and again, he felt the subtle dip of Sora's fingers below the waistline of his jeans, the warm tips of his fingers and the light scratch of his fingernails electrifying Roxas' senses. He was getting close…

Their lips and tongues sliding together and tasting each other, Roxas panted and moaned into Sora's wet mouth, one of his hands slipping free of their erections to clumsily grab at one of Sora's wrists. He encouraged Sora's hand to slide under his shirt and up further along the planes of his back. He relished more of the contact between them and the soft, gentle touch of Sora's fingers. Without being prompted, Sora's other hand hesitantly joined the first, sliding around Roxas' hip and over his lower back. Roxas shivered deliciously; the rhythm between their bodies gradually increasing.

He could feel the pressure inside of him building – felt the slow burn in his veins just as he felt Sora's body quiver, his fingers still gently exploring Roxas' back pressing harder into his skin. Roxas released Sora's lips and pressed their foreheads together, Sora panting into his mouth as he quietly gasped and shuddered. Roxas watched in rapture as Sora arched into him, his erection jumping in Roxas' hand as he trembled out the waves of his release. Roxas groaned and pressed in closer still, Sora's look of unrestrained pleasure sending him tumbling over the edge. Long, firm strokes and he was gasping too, his hips losing their rhythm as they jerked forward repeatedly.

" _S…Sora…!"_

Roxas rested his weight against Sora as he came back down; the warm, thick fluid of their release caught between his fingers and the palms of his hands. He rested his chin on Sora's shoulder just catching his breath, his hips still faintly twitching. His mind started to clear and the fog of his pleasurable completion slowly lifted, the repercussions of his actions swift to set in. Sora's quiet gasps in his ear were almost deafening. His hands had left Roxas' body altogether, hanging limp at his sides as he stared blankly up at the ceiling.

Roxas was lost. A dry sob worked its way up his throat but he stifled it in time and choked out a strangled groan instead. Everything was messed up. How could he have _done_ such a thing? He hadn't been thinking at all – just desperate to take whatever he could get, and he'd expected Sora to have fought against him harder, but it was still hardly an excuse – because he'd _forced_ him to participate in something unspeakable…beautiful, kind Sora, who would never hurt anyone – the one person he had always loved _too much._

Not moving from his position against Sora, Roxas blindly reached over to the wooden dresser to their right, clumsily fumbling at a nearby box of tissues. He pulled a clump of tissue paper into his soiled hands and scrubbed at his fingers and palms, before crudely cleaning up the mess between their hips. Sora shuddered in a long breath, his blue eyes filled with sorrow. He had barely moved, still staring up at the ceiling as Roxas cleaned them up and jerked their clothes hurriedly back into place.

"Roxas."

Starting slightly at Sora's voice, so clear and heavy with meaning, Roxas felt his chest tighten, his heart thudding like a dull stone behind his ribs. Fighting the grief and regret that was threatening to overwhelm him, Roxas shook his head violently – begging Sora to remain silent. He dropped the wad of soiled tissues and roughly pulled Sora into his arms, his face buried into the crook of Sora's neck.

" _Why? Why_ did it have to be _you?"_

He crushed Sora to him and choked, hot tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.

" _Why did I have to fall in love with you?"_

Sora's arms lifted and shifted around him, returning his embrace just as hard. " _I'm sorry, Roxas – I'm so sorry…!"_

Sora heaved in a ragged breath, his voice breaking on the last word as they clung to each other; Roxas trembling as he struggled to keep his rampant emotions under control.

"I know it's selfish…but I need you in my life," Sora whispered into his ear. "I want us to be how we were."

"It can never be how it was!" Roxas yelled, pulling away sharply and harshly shoving Sora away from him.

Sora thumped back against the wall, his eyes wide and panicked. They stared at each other; Roxas getting lost in the intensity of Sora's eyes before he quickly looked away. He bit at the inside of his cheek.

"…I'll never tell anyone – _please…"_ Sora breathed out tremulously, one of his hands holding his pants up around his hips.

Roxas just stood there – his shoulders slightly hunched and his hands balled into fists. He couldn't bring himself to meet Sora's insistent, pleading gaze. Even now…after everything he'd just done, Sora was still reaching out to him, still willing to forgive him for all the hurt and confusion he had caused.

He felt dead inside. He didn't deserve redemption.

"…We can't go back, Sora…"

Without another word, Roxas turned on his heel and slammed his way out of the bedroom, leaving Sora far behind him. He stumbled into the bathroom, still feeling slightly dazed – as if he was only just returning to reality. The extent of what he had done was hitting him hard now as he stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He was pale and sickly looking, the smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose standing out stark against the off-pallor of his skin. He ran shaking fingers through his messy hair, fixed his rumpled clothing and wiped at his swollen lips. The taste of Sora still lingered on his tongue.

He felt disgusted and ashamed, but even so, he asked himself – if he'd managed to control himself better – to not force himself on the one person he had secretly longed for, for _all this time_ – had he not had a chance to touch all that smooth, tanned skin – to not swallow those moans and gasps – to not hear his name called in such a way – would he have felt better or _worse_ right now?

A sly voice in the back of his mind whispered to him… _wasn't it better to have loved and lost, than never to have lost at all?_ He didn't know if he truly regretted what he had done, and _that_ was the most disturbing thought of all.

-0-

The rest of the afternoon was all a blur to Roxas. He hurried down rickety steps and across rolling green lawns, feigned a terrible stomach-ache and dodged his mother's concerned questions and Kairi's narrowed eyes. There was a bout of rushed, painfully cheery goodbyes, and several agonising embraces as Roxas retrieved Xion from Kairi's clutches before all but jogging down the long dirt driveway to where their hire car patiently waited for them. It was twilight now, but still the Poinciana danced and swayed, their fluttering scarlet flowers almost luminescent in the fading light. Roxas could barely stand to look at them – the memories and echoes of his childhood hounded his footsteps relentlessly, like a pack of howling wolves.

He never wanted to return here.

In the car, Roxas kept his speed steady, his eyes locked on the road in front of them. Xion had not stopped looking at him since he'd returned from inside the house.

"Are you okay…?" She asked quietly, gently placing her hand on Roxas' thigh.

Roxas swallowed around the harsh lump in his throat. He couldn't look at her.

"Yeah…I'm okay. I just don't feel so hot. I think it might be something I ate."

It was a stupid lie and he knew it, considering Xion would know he hadn't had so much as a bite to eat since their breakfast together that morning. She chose not to comment on it anyway, easily sensing that something greatly upsetting had occurred. Roxas fervently hoped to God, Kairi hadn't mentioned anything to her.

Xion leaned over and pressed a small kiss to Roxas' cheek, the warmth of her hand burning through the fabric of his jeans and deep into his skin. He shifted uncomfortably.

"Hopefully, it'll pass soon. You'll feel better in the morning."

Roxas slowly turned his head to look at Xion, her beautiful smile so full of her love and sincerity.

He hated himself then – _so much._

He tried to smile and felt it stalling on his face. He looked away and gave up trying to hide his distress from her. It was obvious she didn't believe him; he just hoped she wouldn't ask.

"…Yeah…" He feebly nodded, dismissing her and her concern as he focussed his attention back on the road.

He wanted to believe what Xion said - that he _would_ feel better in the morning, but he just couldn't. Deep in his heart, he knew, that he could wake up to a thousand mornings after today and he still wouldn't feel any different. The pain he carried in his heart would _never_ heal.


	2. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like angst-riddled, unhappy endings then you don't necessarily need to read part two of this story, because part one stands well enough on its own, in that regard. However, I felt like continuing this, so feel free to read on for the just as dramatic, happy conclusion. Enjoy :D

Roxas had never considered himself to be a restless sleeper per se, but once he was awake – that was just _it_. His brain would hum to life and his mind would sharpen, all vestiges of sleep leaving him, long before his eyelids even began blinking open. He could never just simply roll over and slip back into blissful oblivion; the endless, pervasive thoughts that hounded him in his conscious hours readily returning to him, persistent as ever. This constantly wired trait of his wasn't always something that necessarily bothered him much, but sometimes…it would have been nice, if he could revisit some of his more memorable dreams.

Roxas didn't know what had roused him from his sleep this morning, but there he was, lying on his back just staring up at the smooth, white expanse of his bedroom ceiling. Dim sunlight was streaming through his closed curtains and slowly warming the room. It was a rare day off from the hospital for him, and he hadn't had the need to set an alarm till much later. He mercifully couldn't recall any troubling nightmares, so the reason why he was suddenly wide awake was simply a mystery. Roxas might not have been a person that woke up feeling groggy and clouded, but waking up on his own without any outside interference was still a strange occurrence to say the least.

Rolling his head to the right, Roxas looked over at the glowing numbers of the digital clock resting on his bedside table. It was just after nine on a Saturday morning. He'd set his alarm for ten. Silently, he breathed out a small sigh and looked back up at the ceiling. His arms were both above his covers, his hands resting beside his head. Unconsciously, the fingers of one hand shifted and twisted through a few unruly strands of his hair.

He'd been feeling a lot better lately, to some notable degree.

It had been just over a month since Roxas had travelled north with Xion to attend his grandfather's birthday party, and one of the first things he had done when he'd returned home was to go and find himself a reputable psychologist.

He had very nearly suffered a breakdown after the troubling events of that day, and with nothing else to comfort him but his tumultuous, destructive thoughts, Roxas wouldn't have been able to successfully hold all of his guilt and torment inside without slowly driving himself mad.

He'd been more than a little apprehensive about opening up to a complete stranger; fearing some sort of hostile prejudice on the psychologist's part, but the man Roxas had been seeing had shown him nothing but kindness. Doctor Wise had been genuinely sympathetic to Roxas' emotional state and difficult circumstance; being a self-proclaimed expert on all matters of the heart, he had helped Roxas to see that love was never truly just black and white. Roxas still wasn't ready to face Sora (if ever he could), but simply just having someone who he could candidly talk to, about all of his confusion and guilt, was working wonders. It gave him a fresh new perspective, and for once, after so many years, he really felt like he could put his poisonous fixation for his cousin behind him.

It had been a trying month to say the least. He was five weeks away from completing his Master's in Pharmaceutical Medicine and as his finals drew ever closer he had been inundated with mandatory class lectures, rigorous cramming sessions, and increased shifts at the hospital where he worked.

Between all of his studying and working, and weekly sessions with Doctor Wise, Roxas had still made it a priority to break things off with Xion. He couldn't be honest with her when she'd asked him for a reason why – couldn't even look at her face, when the colour of her eyes so painfully reminded him of Sora's. He should have felt worse for cheating on her, but he never really did; so consumed was he with the realisation that now that he had experienced some semblance of the real thing with the one he truly loved, he couldn't even bear to touch her. Her curves were too soft and rounded in awkward places; her silky, black hair was the wrong texture and her lips too full and pliant beneath his own. He couldn't do it anymore – not when she was gasping his name and he was desperately reminding himself _not_ to breathe Sora's.

It had taken him a few, agonising days to mentally prepare himself to destroy one of the best security blankets he had, but morally, there was no other way. He'd managed to do it, somehow.

Xion had been extremely upset, especially when Roxas admitted to never loving her. That wasn't entirely true, but he felt that that was probably a much easier thing for her to understand than admitting he'd only started dating her because her eyes had reminded him of someone else. He really had been using her from the start, which in hindsight probably did more harm to his precarious mental state than good. She was a beautiful, kind person, that certainly didn't deserve the hurt Roxas had caused her, but in the end, she would only ever be a poor replacement.

Xion had promptly moved out of the apartment they had been sharing together for the last year, and found a new place to live with a mutual friend of theirs. A kind-hearted girl to the end, she still wanted to keep in contact with him, but Roxas just wanted to be alone. He was content for the moment to just wallow in his own personal brand of shame and self-loathing. He felt horrible – felt like the heartless monster he knew himself to be. It would be a long time till he felt he could try again with someone new; he didn't want to mess with anyone else's feelings. But with Doctor Wise' continued guidance, Roxas was confident that one day he would be over his obsession with Sora and then maybe, he could start afresh, and not just as a means to heal his wounded heart.

Scrubbing at his mess of blond hair, Roxas poured himself out of bed and grabbed up an old t-shirt haphazardly left on his bedroom floor and tugged it on over his head. Trudging out into the living area, he made his way straight into the kitchen to procure himself some coffee and maybe entertain the thought of making some sort of breakfast. He wasn't sure if he was hungry and he didn't necessarily _feel_ tired enough for coffee, but it was more force of habit than anything, to start the day off with a boost of caffeine. That, and he just really loved the taste.

As he turned the little coffee machine on and waited for it to heat up, Roxas' eyes shifted over the kitchen bench and out towards the blank screen of the television that was sitting in the living room. He rarely turned it on these days, what with being so busy with his studying and work. He preferred the silence anyway; it was easier for him to make sense of his muddled thoughts. From there, his gaze wandered sharply to the left and he resisted minutely, trying to turn his focus elsewhere, but he knew he couldn't help it when his eyes were instantly drawn over to the little pot plant sitting on one of his windowsills. The early morning sunlight was streaming in, in bright, warm shafts, making the ferny, tiny leaflets of the Poinciana sapling light up in a brilliant, kelly green. Roxas had transferred it into a larger pot than what it had arrived in, fertilized it well, pruned it lightly and made sure to water it every day. It seemed happy and healthy living on his windowsill for the moment, and he was glad to see it had made a full recovery, considering the questionable treatment it had been subjected to, when it had first arrived on his doorstep.

Three weeks earlier, Roxas had come home one evening to find the little sapling sitting pretty and innocent outside his front door. He had instantly recognised it as a Poinciana tree and had not been pleased to see it in the slightest. A large green ribbon had been wrapped around it's pot, but there was no mention anywhere on it as to who had sent it. There was a tiny little greeting card from some generic online gift service, but that was all, which only served to enrage Roxas further. He wasn't an idiot – there was no doubt in his mind about who had sent it to him.

As soon as Roxas had unlocked his apartment door, he'd wasted no time in snatching up the offending pot and bringing it inside, before promptly hurling the entire thing – green bow and all, into the rubbish bin beneath his kitchen sink. He'd been so furious. Why would Sora torture him like this? He was determined to let the tree wither and die in there, and forget its arrival on his doorstep had ever occurred in the first place.

It sat in the bin under the sink for three, whole days until Roxas finally gave in. The little sapling had been eating at his thoughts so much it had started to interfere with his sleep; his dreams full of fluttering, scarlet blossoms and the soft whisper of gently shifting leaves.

After rescuing it from underneath a couple days' worth of stinking food scraps and other odd bits of generic trash, Roxas anxiously realised he'd very nearly succeeded in killing the poor thing, and he might just be too late in saving it. Initially he hadn't felt optimistic about it surviving, but he'd been furiously persistent anyway. Somehow, he had succeeded, and the little sapling was now back to being as happy and healthy as ever.

When the Poinciana had first begun to recover, he was surprised to discover that he actually enjoyed looking after it and often caught himself sliding his fingertips along its tiny, delicate leaves whenever he tended to it. It was kind of… _good_ for him in a sense, reminiscent of some kind of natural therapy. He was fully aware that no one but Sora could have sent it, and it made him angry whenever he wondered about the motivation behind its arrival, but it was still a beautiful tree – one that had always been deeply rooted in the most unforgettable memories of his childhood and adolescence. It would take eight years for it to flower for the first time, and he was adamant in looking after it until that day came. Eventually, when he'd finished his degree and had something more to show for it, he would have a garden large enough to plant it in.

The coffee machine finally ceasing its clicking and whirring in front of him, Roxas pulled his thoughts away from the sapling on the windowsill and shifted his focus back to the task at hand. He deposited a small coffee pod into the necessary compartment and retrieved a mug from one of the cupboards near his knee, placing it ready under the dispenser.

Activating the sequence for a triple shot, Roxas' mind immediately started to wander again. He frowned down at his feet and sighed; one hand idly scratching at his stomach. He'd been trying not to dwell on it so much (knowing it wasn't good for him), but it was still proving difficult not to think about what had taken place at his grandfather's birthday party. He was thoroughly ashamed of his own actions, but his imagination still couldn't help running away with the new memories he had acquired of Sora.

He closed his eyes and vividly remembered the feel of Sora's warm skin underneath his fingertips, saw the curve of his neck, and the rise and fall of his heaving chest. All but lost in his daydream, Roxas felt Sora's hand's hesitantly pull him closer, even as his body trembled within his forceful embrace – Sora's beautiful blue eyes glazed and half-mast, and his parted lips gasping, as he _finally_ shuddered out his release…

Roxas' eyes flew open and he silently berated himself for getting senselessly carried away. It wasn't exactly an ideal way for him to start the day off on a positive note; recalling Sora moaning and writhing against him. The coffee machine finished its program and Roxas quickly pressed another button to have the mug filled the rest of the way with boiling water. His coffee made, Roxas adjusted his pants and stubbornly ignored the semi-erection he was currently sporting, before leaving the clean-up of the coffee machine for later and making his way into the living room. Setting the mug down on the coffee table and waiting for it to cool a bit, Roxas grabbed up the television remote and flumped back into the couch cushions. He stared at the transparent wisps of steam rising from the mug in front of him as his fingers smoothed over the buttons of the remote in his hand. He was determined to switch off for a bit with some overly cheery, morning-time news program, but he didn't move to turn the television on right away. His mind was still preoccupied.

He wondered a lot these days, when he had a rare quiet moment to stop and _really_ think, about how Sora must have felt in the aftermath. Surely he hated him now. He hadn't received a single phone call or text since that day, and except for the bizarre arrival of the Poinciana tree, Roxas was fairly certain he had finally convinced Sora to leave him alone for good. He had spoken to both his cousin, Ventus and to his mother a few times since returning home, but nothing noticeably out of the ordinary had ever been mentioned in their conversations. Having nothing obviously amiss within his family, because of what had transpired that day, was a small blessing in its own right. It seemed Sora really had kept his word and hadn't told anyone…

Roxas…missed Sora. He was resigned to missing him for the rest of his life, but that didn't make it any easier. He often thought back on how happy Sora had looked with Kairi and sometimes caught himself contemplating how extravagant of a wedding they would have, or what their future children might possibly look like. Other days, Roxas couldn't stand thinking about him at all – not for a _single_ second. There was something twisted inside of him, that turned his love for Sora into a dark and unsettling obsession. In the same line of thought that he wished Sora years of untold happiness, he also cursed him for not reciprocating his feelings. In his heart he knew that was a foolish notion, and he really did understand that Sora was completely blameless in this entire mess, but it was just…so _exhausting_ to feel this way for another person, and Roxas was tired of feeling so unbalanced.

Breathing out a frustrated sigh, Roxas finally stabbed at the corresponding button on the remote and turned on the television; some technicolour children's show promptly flashing up on the screen. He forced himself to watch it, emptying his mind.

_Ning-nong!_

Roxas raised his eyebrows in surprise and looked over towards the front door of his apartment. Someone was ringing the doorbell. Strange…he wasn't expecting anyone, so maybe it was Xion? She had left a few things behind in the aftermath of their sudden breakup, but it was out of character for her to show up without calling first, beforehand.

_Ning-nong!_

_For chrissakes –_ "I'm coming!" He called out, throwing the remote down on the couch. Retrieving his mug from the table in front of him, Roxas stood and began making his way over towards the front door. He took the chain off first and peered through the peephole at the same time, only to gasp audibly in shock at the person he saw standing outside. The mug of coffee promptly slipped right through his fingers. Realising too late, Roxas cried out and jumped backwards, the scalding coffee _just_ missing his feet as the mug clunked down into the polished wooden floorboards. It sharply bounced once, flecking the hot liquid all up the door and over the floor, before shattering into several large pieces.

" _Shit!"_ Roxas hissed, quickly scrutinising the extent of the mess at his feet.

" _Roxas? Are you okay in there? I heard something smash! Let me in!"_

Roxas grit his teeth and glared at the closed door; the person standing on the other side thumping against the wood a few times for good measure.

" _Roxas, helloo?"_

Of all the people Roxas had been expecting to see on the other side of his door, it had not, for a _second_ , been _him._ Cautiously stepping around the shattered remains of the mug and the mess of spilled coffee, Roxas pressed himself back up against the door and peered out again.

Sora was standing there, looking much the same as the last time Roxas had seen him, except this time he was wearing a dark blue t-shirt with a long pair of patterned board shorts. He had the strap of a large duffel bag slung over one of his shoulders and looked ridiculously casual – as if it was nothing out of the ordinary at all, that he was right _here_ – 1600 kilometres away from his home – standing on Roxas' doorstep.

" _Rox, I know you're in there. Open the door already."_

Sora leaned in close and tried pointlessly to peer through the peephole; Roxas gifted with a brilliant close up of one of his vivid blue eyes. His eyebrows furrowing, Roxas bit the inside of his cheek and kept silent.

Sora beat his fist against the door again. _"Roxas…?"_

Still watching, his fingers pressing hard into the lacquered wood of the door, Roxas just waited quietly as Sora kept standing there.

After a few more seconds that felt like _days_ to Roxas, Sora shifted awkwardly and glanced up and down the empty hallway. He adjusted the strap of the heavy looking duffel bag and delved into the back pocket of his board shorts, retrieving a small, crumpled piece of paper. His face one of mild confusion now, Sora smoothed it out between his fingers, his eyes darting over the words written there before shifting back upwards to glance at the door in front of him. Roxas angrily wondered who had given him his address without even consulting him first, which was obviously what was written on the note in Sora's hand.

Predictably coming to the conclusion that he was in fact at the right apartment, Sora's eyes narrowed in realisation. Now looking thoroughly frustrated, he shot one last glower at Roxas' apartment door before turning and walking back down the hall towards the lifts. Still glued to the peephole, Roxas kept watching until Sora was completely out of sight.

Leaning his head against the door and huffing out the breath he didn't realise he was holding, Roxas ground his forehead lightly against the wood and squeezed his eyes shut. Why, the _hell,_ was Sora _here?_ A flurry of different explanations instantly raced their way across the forefront of his mind; his first irrational thought being – if he, himself had been the one who had been coerced into an immoral sexual situation, then he would be seeking the culprit out to determinedly put them in hospital...but, knowing Sora, it was highly unlikely that that was what he was here to do…

Briefly, Roxas wrestled with the near overpowering urge to fling his apartment door wide open and give chase, but swiftly reigned in his rising desperation, recognising it for the truly terrible idea that it was. _Honestly,_ this entire never-ending emotional rollercoaster was just getting ridiculous now. Luckily, Roxas had nowhere to be for the next two days, so unless Sora was going to camp out the front of his apartment and wait for him to come out, he was certain he could easily avoid running into him.

He tried to convince himself he didn't particularly care where Sora had left to, either. It was a big city…so maybe he had actually flown down for something else entirely, and had just spontaneously toyed with the idea of giving Roxas a piece of his mind while he had the chance.

Ultimately, it really didn't matter what his reasons were for being here, because Roxas was _not_ going to see him.

It hadn't even been ten minutes since Sora had stalked off down the hallway when Roxas caught the sound of far off voices coming from outside of his apartment. He was crouching down on the floor by the door, just cleaning up the last of the broken mug and coffee with some paper towel and cleaning spray, when he paused and went still; listening. There were two people talking to each other, and one of the voices was dreadfully familiar…

"… _definitely home, and I heard something smash; I'm really worried he's hurt or something."_

" _Oh my, that's terrible!"_ A feminine voice answered, the woman's tone laced with honest concern. _"Well, I'll just open the door and we can see if he's okay, together."_

Roxas' eyes flew wide when he heard them both stop right outside his door.

 _What_ the _fuck?_ He went and got the _landlady!?_

Throwing down the scrunched ball of soiled paper towel and scrambling to his feet, Roxas scrabbled to unlock the door and roughly threw it open. Sure enough, a petite woman with wavy black hair he instantly recognised as the landlady stood there, frozen in shock; one of her hands holding a key card, that was poised, hovering out towards the door handle.

"Oh! Oh, you're alright, thank goodness!" She sighed, retracting the key card and placing a dainty hand against her chest. "Sorry, about the intrusion. Your friend here heard something smash from inside your apartment and he was worried for your safety when you weren't answering." She looked terribly embarrassed, her eyes shifting over to the young man standing beside her, almost at the same time as Roxas'.

Sora didn't take his eyes off Roxas once; his expression noticeably smug. Roxas' eyes narrowed minutely as they coolly stared each other down. The little shit had _known_ he wasn't going to open the door. He'd done this on purpose…

Roxas cleared his throat and shifted his gaze back to the nervous landlady. He smiled, making it appear as genuine as possible. "No, that's okay, I just…dropped my mug of coffee. I was still half asleep – it slipped right through my fingers."

The landlady laughed in relief. "Oh, that's a shame about your mug, but I'm glad you haven't been injured in any way. Once again, I'm very sorry about the intrusion." She turned to smile at Sora, already taking her leave. "It was nice meeting you, Sora. Take care."

Sora beamed and gave her a jaunty wave. "You, too!"

Waving as well, the landlady turned down the hallway and out of sight; Sora and Roxas both returning to silently regarding each other. Roxas made no move to let Sora in, bracing his hands up against the door frame.

"You're pretty good with that phony smile there." Sora quipped, his eyes hard.

"Takes a lifetime of practice," Roxas snapped back. He was so done with this shit – there was no point in putting on an act. He _hated_ being cornered like this.

"What are you doing here, Sora?"

"I…" Sora held his eyes for a second longer before glancing away. He looked troubled, his shoulders drooping dramatically. "I didn't come here to start a fight; I just want to talk to you."

Sora looked back at Roxas and that was all it took. There was that familiar light in his endless blue eyes that Roxas had always been powerless against – Sora's heart laid bare on his sleeve. He looked so hopeful and earnest; Roxas hesitated and Sora saw it. He shifted a small step forward, the air between them tense, before Roxas' arms dropped to his sides and he wordlessly stepped out of Sora's way.

Offering him a small, encouraging smile (which Roxas steadfastly ignored), Sora hefted the strap of his bag more securely onto his shoulder and walked inside the apartment. Roxas still said nothing as he closed the front door and followed; albeit reluctantly.

Sora kept walking until he stood in the middle of the living room, between the coffee table and the television that was still blaring some obnoxious children's program. Without even being asked, he threw his duffel bag onto a nearby armchair and toed off his sneakers. Roxas scowled at Sora's turned back and then down at the other's discarded shoes, his apprehension rising. Why would he take them off? He eyed the large duffel bag next, with no small amount of suspicion. He had no idea of what Sora's intentions were, but there was no way in _hell_ he was staying here…

"Wow, nice place," Sora commented, slowly looking around the open plan apartment. "Do you live here with Xion?"

Rubbing at his neck in agitation, Roxas made his way into the kitchen, making a beeline for the coffee machine. "Used to. We broke up."

"Oh…"

He heard the infectious awkwardness in Sora's voice and quickly busied himself with fiddling around with the coffee machine. He turned it on again and lifted the small lever that would clear the used pod from earlier, trying hard not to let his uneasiness show. Sora was now openly watching him from his position still in the living room.

"Do you want coffee?"

Sora perked up a bit at that, flashing Roxas that infuriatingly kind smile again. "Yeah, that'd be great."

They fell into an uncomfortable silence as Roxas methodically created their coffees – a long black for himself, and a strong flat white with two sugars for Sora. He didn't even have to ask Sora what kind of coffee he wanted…there was no minor detail about him that Roxas didn't remember.

He was trying to remain relatively calm, but it was increasingly difficult when he was so hyper-aware of the other man currently wandering around his living room. Sora picked up a few photographs here and there and silently studied them, before moving over towards the bank of casement windows situated on the opposite side of the apartment. The sunlight streamed in on him, and Roxas couldn't help but look. He paused adding sugar to their coffees as he watched Sora brush his fingertips over some of the delicate leaves of the Poinciana sapling. He nearly brought himself to ask, but decidedly kept his mouth shut. Sora didn't say anything about it either as his hand dropped back to his side and he meandered away towards the nearby dining table. Roxas didn't have an office, so the sturdy wooden table was where he did the majority of his studying. One half of it was completely covered with a multitude of thick textbooks, loose papers and open notebooks; wayward assorted pens, and his laptop and printer.

"You're studying pharmaceutical medicine?" Sora asked, flicking through one of the textbooks.

Roxas quickly averted his gaze and poured the ready-steamed milk into Sora's coffee. "Yeah…for a few years now. I've nearly finished my degree."

Noticing that Roxas was finishing up with their coffees, Sora moved back over towards the couch and sat down on the side closest to the windows. He waited quietly as Roxas grabbed up the two steaming mugs and joined him on the couch, sitting a safe enough distance away from him, but still close enough to touch. He handed the flat white to Sora; their eyes meeting briefly before Roxas quickly looked away.

"Thanks," Sora murmured, settling the mug between his hands. He brought it to his lips and tentatively took a small sip; Roxas taking the opportunity to flick the remote in the television's general direction, effectively switching it off. Silence instantly descended around them. Sora lowered his mug and rested it on his lap. He looked down into it, noticeably deep in thought.

Roxas swallowed at the lump sitting stubbornly in his throat and pulled in a quiet, shaky breath. His fingers clenched hard around his mug. This entire situation…was utterly _surreal,_ and yet, somehow, he felt oddly comfortable. Sora had never been here before, and apart from their altercation a month ago, they had not been alone together like this in years.

Roxas' heart ached. _God,_ but he had missed this…

Even though so much had changed between them, his heart still reached out to the one person who had always made him feel like he was home.

Everything Roxas had ever felt so strongly was now swiftly rising to the surface – years' worth of heartbreak and shame, and his overwhelming, _crushing_ despair. All at once, his defensive anger left him, and his mind was made up. No matter what Sora had come to say to him, he had to, at the very least, try and make things right…

Roxas turned to face Sora, his expression desperate, but determined. "Sora, I…I'm pretty sure I can guess why you're here, and before you want to…get into it all, I just want you to know how sorry I am…for what I did to you." Sora just silently watched him, his blue eyes solemn. Roxas had never seen him look so serious.

He looked down into his mug miserably. "…I'm not asking you to forgive me, just…just know I'm sorry…and I always will be."

The quiet between them seemed to stretch endlessly then, Roxas still staring down into his slowly cooling coffee as he waited anxiously for Sora's answer.

"…That means a lot to me. Thank you. But that's not why I'm here."

Roxas blinked rapidly at Sora's sombre words, and felt both a sudden wave of intense relief and a deep, nervous confusion. He glanced back at Sora, only to find him now staring back down into his own mug, his fingers playing idly along the handle.

Sora took a deep breath and huffed out a tired sigh. "After Grandfather's birthday, I had a lot to think about. A lot of stuff I'd always been confused about suddenly made a lot of sense. When we were still kids I'd always sort of wondered if maybe…you had started thinking of me in a less than platonic way…" He turned to Roxas quickly and raised one of his hands in a supplicating gesture, "– don't worry, it wasn't noticeable – well, except to _me_ , but your eyes…"

They gazed at each other; Roxas falling into Sora's fathomless blues. There were stars shimmering there. Sora's voice lowered to a murmur. "…When you thought I couldn't see you looking at me…they were so sad, but also… _full_ of longing…"

"To be honest, I didn't know what to do about it – thought maybe I was imagining it all," Sora smiled dryly; glanced away. "I just kept on pretending I hadn't noticed anything changing between us – and then when you told me you loved me that day in the Poinciana tree, I – I lied!" Sora leant forward suddenly and smacked his coffee mug down on the table in front of them. He buried both of his hands in his hair. "I was so shocked, I pretended I didn't know what you were talking about, and when you just laughed it off – the pain I saw on your face…"

He lowered his hands and faced Roxas, his expression deeply pained.

"…it broke my heart."

Roxas could only stare, his fingers like claws, clenched so hard around the mug held between his palms. When he finally found his voice, it was barely above a whisper. "… _Why didn't you tell me?"_

"I was _scared_ ," Sora quavered in return, his eyes imbued with emotion. "We were only _kids_ , Roxas – I didn't know _what_ I was supposed to do – what I was supposed to _feel_. I couldn't get past the fact that we were cousins – _and boys._ " Sora's voice was slowly rising in volume and tempo now, as he all but rushed to get his piece out – to finally have Roxas understand. "I thought if I just kept on like nothing was different, you'd eventually grow out of it, that you'd start to look at girls instead, but all it did was push you away."

"I'm sorry…it took me so long to tell you. I'm sorry for hurting you the way that I did."

Roxas sat there in stunned silence; Sora's heartfelt apology ringing through the quiet apartment as he resolutely held Roxas' gaze. He didn't look away once, the depth of his eyes earnestly trying to convey the sincerity behind his words.

Breaking their eye contact, Roxas shifted slightly and carefully placed his coffee mug down on the table, as well. With trembling fingers, he slid the mug further away from himself, right out of his reach. Of all of the things Sora had just told him… _none_ of it was even _remotely_ close to what Roxas had been expecting to hear.

He felt himself smile, in spite of his tumultuous thoughts. He really was a fool to have thought anything different. This _was_ Sora, after all…

"Sora, this is your problem. You're too nice."

Sora hadn't stopped looking at him, his expression still sombre. Roxas just smiled sadly to himself and continued staring at the coffee table. He hunched forwards and rested his forearms against his legs, his hands hanging loosely between his thighs.

"I'm definitely more than surprised to learn you knew about it for so long, but you honestly don't have anything to apologise for. It's not your fault I harboured unsettling feelings for you. I put you in an uncomfortable situation and I ruined our friendship. Don't ever be sorry for that."

Sora studied Roxas' profile for a moment longer, chewing nervously at the bottom corner of his lip. His shoulders sagged as he turned away to stare over at the windows; the little Poinciana still vibrantly green in the late morning sunlight. Roxas couldn't see Sora's face anymore, but he could tell from the stillness of his posture that something was still significantly troubling him. His reassurance hadn't seemed to alleviate Sora's unfounded guilt at all.

"I wasn't finished. There's something else…"

Roxas instantly felt uneasy. It might have been a long time since they'd spoken one on one like this, but he had rarely ever seen Sora so serious. It was unnerving. He sat up straight and shifted restlessly in his seat, his heart-rate increasing.

"That day…at Grandfathers…" Sora turned back around, only to stare down at his coffee mug again. His eyes seemed far away. "You mightn't know it, cause we haven't kept in touch, but I've been learning Judo these last couple of years; mostly for fitness, or for when the surf is ordinary, but if I wanted to…I could have easily stopped you. But I didn't."

The strangled beating of Roxas' heart immediately intensified, the dull ache in the centre of his chest that had only just started to alleviate, returned, worse than ever before. Sora steeled himself and resolutely turned to face him, and what Roxas saw there struck fear deep within him.

_No…_

"Yes, I was shocked to begin with, but when you touched me, I…I didn't hate it. In fact, I kind of _liked_ it. _A lot…"_ Sora was whispering now and Roxas couldn't tear his eyes away even if he'd tried. He was hooked on Sora's quiet words, like a dying man gasping for one last breath.

"It felt… _right."_

"You don't know what you're saying!" Roxas burst out, seriously beginning to panic. Sora barely even flinched at his sudden outburst, still calmly regarding him. He slowly shook his head and shifted closer to Roxas on the couch.

"I know exactly what I'm saying, Roxas. It might've taken me years to realise it, but I…I've probably always felt the same."

"I love you, too."

Roxas just stared at him in shock. Positively mortifying, his eyes started to prickle with the tell-tale sign of oncoming tears.

How many years…had he wanted to hear those exact words escape Sora's lips? He might have been naïve once, but he certainly wasn't now.

This wasn't a blessing.

It was a _curse._

Choking briefly, his emotions warring, Roxas blinked away his distress and promptly shot to his feet. Sora actually jumped and stared up at him in surprise; Roxas not faltering once as he wordlessly stalked over towards his front door and wreathed it open. He turned back to Sora still sitting stunned on the couch.

"You need to leave."

It was Sora's turn to look panicked. "Roxas –"

"Now – _Leave_ now!" Roxas was so angry he was starting to shake.

Sora was instantly on his feet as well, his expression like thunder. "I'm not going anywhere! …I don't understand you – isn't this what you wanted?"

Growling in frustration, Roxas threw the door shut, his neighbours be damned and stormed back over towards Sora. Sora just stood there and waited for him; his hands clenched into fists, the light in his eyes' dangerous.

"No, _you're_ the one who isn't getting it here, Sora! What do you expect me to say? That I'm so _happy_ you love me back, after all these years of me wanting you? That we should tell all our friends we're together now – change our relationship status' on _Facebook?"_ He choked out a sardonic laugh. "And what the hell happened to your _girlfriend?"_

Sora looked agitated; guilty. "I couldn't stay with Kairi…it wasn't fair on her when all I kept thinking about was you!"

Roxas snorted and tossed his head irritably. He didn't want to hear this – _any of it_. He made to walk away again but Sora grabbed his arm and stopped him from retreating further.

"…Why? Why can't you just accept this?" Anger still brightened Sora's eyes but there was also confusion and hurt there, as well. It was obvious he hadn't expected Roxas to react like this.

Roxas shook his head in disbelief, his eyes wide and incredulous. Were they _really_ having this conversation? _Seriously?_

"Because it's _wrong,_ Sora! – It's not supposed to feel _right!_ They send people to prison for committing incest! It's – It's disgusting."

Sora released Roxas' arm instantly, as if he'd been burned. "How can you say that…? How can love ever be disgusting?" Roxas couldn't look Sora in the eyes; couldn't bear to see the hurt there.

One look and he knew he'd give in.

All at once, with his mind still whirling, Roxas' anger left him. He was suddenly exhausted, the absolute madness of this entire situation taking its toll. He spoke quietly, his words pleading for Sora to understand. "…What about what our family would say?" Roxas held Sora's gaze, his eyes clearly conveying his sadness and resignation. It was a simple truth they couldn't afford to ignore, so why couldn't Sora comprehend it?

"Realistically…it could never work. We can never be together."

He felt his face tingle unpleasantly and the skin around his eyes grew warm as his tears slowly welled. He wasn't sure if he could stop them this time. He broke their eye contact and tried to keep himself under control. It was like his heart was breaking all over again.

This…was _hell_. Hadn't he suffered _enough?_

Without saying another word, Sora didn't hesitate in closing the gap between them and gently pulled Roxas into his arms. Roxas didn't even try to resist; just let Sora hold him close, his arms hanging limp at his sides. They stood like that for a short while, listening to each other's quietening breaths. Roxas felt utterly miserable…and so very lost. "You can't mean it…you don't know what you want," he whispered into Sora's ear, finally giving in to the urge and wrapping his arms loosely around Sora's waist.

Sora shook his head. "I don't _care_ what anyone else thinks. I want to be with you."

His newly found calm dissipating instantly, Roxas' arms tightened around Sora, his frustration clearly evident upon his face. He had no idea of what was going through Sora's head, but _reality_ was no fairy-tale. Did he honestly believe it could be _that_ simple? His naivety was _unbelievable_.

If he had to play the bad guy, in order for Sora to understand, then _so be it._

"Okay."

Sora sharply pulled away from Roxas, trying to meet his eyes. "H-huh? Really?" He looked so relieved, the beginnings of a tentative smile curling his lips.

For all the good it did, Roxas was just infuriated more.

Breaking free of their embrace, Roxas grabbed one of Sora's wrists and bodily dragged him back over towards the couch. Sora started to protest, but he didn't try and pull away – even as Roxas roughly pushed him down against the cushions and straddled his thighs.

"R-Roxas –!?"

Roxas grasped Sora's shoulders and pinned them against the couch. He surged forwards, seizing Sora's mouth in a hard kiss. It was violent – forceful, and Sora couldn't keep up. He gasped into Roxas' mouth and twisted his hands into the front of Roxas' shirt. Roxas felt Sora nervously giving in and ground down hard into his lap. He grabbed a fistful of Sora's hair and harshly yanked his head to the side; Sora crying out quietly as Roxas scraped his teeth along the newly exposed skin of his neck and shoulder.

"What are you doing!?" Sora managed to cry out, his voice high and panicked. Roxas didn't reply, just possessively claimed Sora's lips again and started fumbling with the drawstring of his board shorts. He wasted no time in jerking the ties open, shoving aside the obstructing fabric. His fingers fumbled over the waistband of Sora's boxers as he swiftly thrust his hand inside.

" _Stop!"_ Sora whimpered, and that was all Roxas had been waiting to hear. Panting heavily, Roxas pulled away to study Sora's face, his hand still curled around him, inside of his shorts. Sora was shaking like a leaf, his eyes squeezed shut and his hands still fisted in Roxas' shirt.

Gently removing his hands and sitting back, Roxas lifted himself off of Sora and stood up. He had made his point. He looked down at Sora, just as Sora opened his eyes again to stare warily up at him.

"Look at you…you say you want this, but it's obvious how scared you are." Roxas tore his eyes away from Sora's dejected expression and began walking back towards the kitchen. He wiped at his mouth morosely.

"Just…Just _go home_ , Sora."

Sora stared over at him, his chest still heaving as he pressed his hands into the couch cushions and sat upright. A myriad of emotions stole across his face; blatant humiliation and distress being the most prominent. He made a small noise deep within his throat and hastily pushed himself to his feet.

Roxas turned back around just in time, as Sora stalked over to him and roughly grabbed him by the front of his shirt. He wreathed Roxas forward with all of his strength, their noses nearly touching. Sora's jaw was clenched and his eyes fairly _burned;_ the muscles in his arms held taut _._

Roxas' eyes flew wide. The force of Sora's anger took his breath away.

"You don't think I _realise_ the repercussions of us being together?" Sora shook him. "You think _just_ because you've had longer than me to come to terms with it, that I don't understand my own _feelings?_ Of course I'm scared, you _idiot_ – I'm bloody terrified!" Roxas was rendered speechless as Sora's hands relaxed in his shirt; his tone softening.

"But that doesn't change anything _…_ I still want to be with you, I just…I've never been with another guy before, so it's a little different." He offered Roxas a small, apologetic smile, smoothing at the fabric of Roxas' twisted shirt. " _…_ I need you to go easy on me."

When Roxas still said nothing, just continued to stare at him wide-eyed, Sora leant forward and pressed a lingering kiss to his lips. "We can work this out together, so stop pushing me away…I know you want me, just as much as I want you."

Roxas was petrified; Sora sliding a comforting hand along his cheek before leaning in again to determinedly press their lips together. Roxas' eyes fluttered closed of their own volition, a tired groan breathing past his lips as he buried his hands deep into Sora's unruly hair and promptly gave in.

He tried not to think as Sora's tongue flicked its way into his mouth and they both moaned at the slide of their lips fitting perfectly together; Sora's hands now smoothing down Roxas' back. Why did something so _wrong_ …feel so _right?_ Roxas had been longing for this exact moment for so many years, and now, it seemed impossible not to give in to it; Sora warm and eager against him – the only one he had ever loved, for as long as he could remember…

They kissed for long moments, Sora actively participating this time which sent a small thrill of pleasure shivering up Roxas' spine. Sora swirled and rolled his tongue against' Roxas', pressing bodily against him, his hands fisting in the back of Roxas' shirt. Roxas pulled back slightly, his teeth tugging at Sora's bottom lip. He remembered Sora's apprehension and forced himself to slow down.

" _Sora…_ " He breathed, ghosting the fingers of one hand along Sora's jaw line. " _Touch me…"_

Roxas watched Sora swallow thickly, the vivid blue of his eyes darkening in response to his request. Trembling out a shaky breath, Sora wasted no time in trailing his hands further down Roxas' back, his fingers pressing and dipping between the ridges of Roxas' ribs before slipping under the bottom hem of his shirt. Roxas shivered as Sora slid his warm hands up along the planes of his back, slowly exploring. The skin where they had touched tingled pleasantly in Sora's wake.

Roxas closed his eyes and captured Sora's lips again, pressing his tongue in deep. He briefly tasted the coffee he couldn't ever remember seeing Sora drink.

Roxas wasn't being forceful, but he wasn't necessarily trying to be gentle either. Sora was a man – not some inexperienced _boy_ , and just the thought of him coming undone underneath him, was testing the very limits of his control. He wanted to try and take things slow and savour Sora's intoxicating taste and touch, but it was hard not to get lost in all of the sensation. They had surely both experienced this all before with other people, but this time it was distinctly different. Roxas was barely keeping himself in check, wanting nothing more than to throw Sora down on the hardwood floor and ravish him senseless. His fingers curled into the waistband of Sora's board shorts and he sharply pulled him more firmly against him. He moaned; thrilling at Sora's straining erection pressed enticingly close to his own.

He kept telling himself – _take it slow, take it slow,_ but he couldn't bear to wait a moment longer. He broke their kiss and suddenly pulled away from Sora, clasping one of his hands firmly before leading him over towards his bedroom.

Nearly through the doorway, Sora caught Roxas off guard by abruptly taking the lead, and whirled him into the wall just outside. Roxas gasped on impact and blinked a few times in surprise as Sora gently settled against him. He offered Roxas a sly smile…

"My turn…" He murmured, sliding his hands underneath Roxas' shirt again, his fingers trailing up his sides. He leaned forward, brushing their cheeks together and sucked Roxas' earlobe into his mouth, rolling the soft skin with his tongue. Roxas hooked one of his hands into the waistband of Sora's shorts again and wreathed him flush against him. He rocked his hips, impatient for more of that delicious friction.

Sora's hands were everywhere, his hard knuckles sliding over Roxas' stomach and deft fingers wandering up along his chest. He teased at pert nipples next, causing a quiet gasp to escape Roxas' parted lips. Roxas closed his eyes and moaned long and desperate, Sora's blunt fingernails scratching lightly back down his waist.

He needed _more._ Sora was the tambourine man and he was enticing Roxas with his song; his lips, and tongue and teeth, kissing and biting all along the soft skin of Roxas' neck. Roxas' hips bucked forwards of their own accord as Sora sucked gently at the sensitive skin behind his ear.

" _A-Ahh…! Ungh..."_

His eyes flying open, panting for breath, Roxas pushed Sora away from him and slid a hand around one of his forearms, pulling him through into the bedroom.

The room was dimly lit and warm; bright sunlight now filtering through the thin fabric of his bedroom's curtains. The bed was still a rumpled mess of doona and sheets, but Roxas encouraged Sora to lie down on it anyway. Sora fell back against the bed and just lay there for a few moments, Roxas bracing himself over him, his hands on either side of Sora's head.

Nothing but the sound of their breaths filled the silence in the room as they gazed at each other, and Roxas felt himself relax considerably. Now that they were here, he didn't want to rush this. He wanted to feel _all_ of Sora – to show him clearly, just how much he loved and adored him. His heart ached, but it was a beautiful feeling, instead of the raw pain he was so used to.

Roxas brushed a hand along the delicate skin of Sora's temple and gently buried his fingers into his soft, chocolate hair. Sora's grin softened into a small smile as Roxas admired him, his blue eyes alight with his newfound happiness. He really was beautiful, his lips kiss-bruised and slightly parted; his tangle of spikes haloed around him.

Wanting to touch too, Sora lifted his hand and ghosted his fingers down through the fine hairs on Roxas' forearm. He lightly encircled his wrist, pressing the tips of his fingers to Roxas' pulse point.

"…I love you, Rox. I didn't mean to make you wait so long."

Roxas' heart skipped a beat and he smiled, but it was so bittersweet. He shook his head and lowered himself down onto Sora, their hips aligning and his arms wrapping warmly around Sora's shoulders. "I never imagined I would _ever_ get to hold you like this…I can barely believe you feel the same. I love you so much, Sora. _So much."_

He held Sora close; Sora in turn sliding his own arms around Roxas' neck. They stayed like that, silently enjoying the warmth of each other; Roxas closing his eyes and just revelling in the feel of Sora's constant heartbeat pounding right next to his.

"…Why the Poinciana?" He asked quietly, remembering the little tree that had so recently dominated all of his thoughts.

Sora shrugged against him. "I was still unsure about coming to see you when I sent it…and I didn't know if I'd ever see you again, considering the way that we parted…but I wanted you to have something to remember me by." He shifted and turned his head, his lips pressed to the shell of Roxas' ear. "…I'm happy you've kept it."

Roxas breathed out a laugh and squeezed Sora affectionately.

"I could never forget you."

Sora nudged at his jaw with his nose and Roxas lifted his head to face him. Their eyes locked for a brief second before Roxas wasted no time in capturing Sora's lips in a bruising kiss.

Roxas moaned softly and subtly rocked his hips, his focus drawn to the intimate press of their bodies. He thoroughly immersed himself in everything Sora was offering him – the tentative brush of his warm fingers, his moist panted breaths and the way he unconsciously jerked his hips upwards; Roxas eagerly pressing back down against him.

Sora's hands wandered down Roxas' back and tugged at the bottom hem of his shirt. Wordlessly, Roxas quickly sat up and let Sora pull the loose shirt off, over his head. Not missing the way Sora's eyes slid appreciatively over his bare chest, Roxas straddled Sora's hips and straightened his spine. He wasn't as fit as Sora was but that didn't mean his body wasn't anything to look at. He let himself enjoy the attention; Sora's obvious attraction to him still a little surprising, considering Roxas knew he'd never been with another man before.

Roxas skated his hands up along Sora's sides and pushed his shirt further up his chest, purposely revealing more of that deliciously tanned skin.

"Are you sure about this? We can take it slow…" Roxas murmured, his latent insecurities about what they were about to do, rising to the surface. If what Sora had said before was true, Roxas was determined not to go too fast, too soon and possibly make him too uncomfortable to ever want to try this again. He waited with bated breath for Sora's answer, even as the expression on his face clearly conveyed how much he was having to hold back and restrain himself. There was still a very real seed of doubt in his mind, that this surely couldn't be for real – that Sora was just humouring him, and would be all too happy to just jump back on a plane and never see him again…

Seeing Roxas' inner turmoil laid bare before him, Sora smiled reassuringly up at him and made a small, teasing sound of impatience. "Stop thinking," he whispered, sliding a hand around the back of Roxas' neck and pulling him down for another kiss. Roxas moaned and opened Sora's mouth more with his tongue, hungrily delving inside. He forced his uncertainty out of his mind. Sora _wanted_ to do this – wanted to be with _him_ , so at the very least, he shouldn't be doubting Sora's feelings.

No longer wasting any time, Roxas tugged at Sora's shirt, Sora in kind sitting up slightly to assist in getting the article of clothing off of him. Their lips found each other again without any lingering hesitation. Roxas pushed himself up and leaned over Sora, panting heavily onto Sora's moistened lips while one of his hands slowly worked at sliding his board shorts down and out of the way. Never a man to be coy, Sora lifted his hips and hurriedly shoved the shorts down his thighs and legs, his cotton boxers going along with them.

Roxas swallowed hard, Sora shuffling beneath him and kicking the discarded shorts off of his legs. Seemingly unworried about his nakedness, Sora propped himself up on his elbows, eager to recapture Roxas' lips. Desperate for more contact, Roxas shoved Sora's thighs open and ground down into him; Sora groaning into his mouth and trembling with the added sensation.

" _Mm – ah!"_

Starting a slow rhythm with his hips, Roxas couldn't help but let his eyes wander over Sora's perfect physique. Only in his fantasies had he imagined Sora flushed and aching for him like this, and none of them had ever come close to how arousing the reality actually was. Roxas licked his lips and lost himself in the intense, _raw_ desire he saw written on Sora's face, who writhed and gasped from underneath him.

His gaze slowly travelling down Sora's heaving chest and abdomen, Roxas reached out and wrapped his fingers lightly around Sora's erection, his heartbeat quickening when he felt the warm, silken flesh jump at his touch. Sora lifted his hips and pressed himself more firmly into Roxas' hand, as Roxas traced the length of him with the very tips of his fingers, committing to memory the way it curved slightly, standing tall and proud amongst a tangle of dark curls.

Roxas pumped slowly, enjoying the way Sora quietly gasped and relaxed further into the sheets. Sora couldn't seem to keep his hips still anymore, as Roxas continued to stroke him, his other hand caressing along Sora's thigh. Roxas leaned down and dipped his tongue into Sora's navel before biting gently at the soft skin he found there. Sora moaned and arched into the sensitive touch, Roxas' warm, wet tongue dragging down his abdomen and lower.

Sora's breathing was positively ragged by the time Roxas finally stopped teasing and closed his mouth around him. It was warm and so very wet, Roxas sliding his lips up and down, his tongue flicking and swirling.

"T-That's… _good…"_ Sora breathed, burying both of his hands in Roxas' hair. He rhythmically jerked his hips in quick shallow thrusts, pushing himself in deeper.

His own erection aching within the confines of his pants, Roxas determinedly kept his movements gentle and slow as he gathered some moisture against his fingertips and pressed between Sora's cheeks. Sora trembled as Roxas massaged at his sensitive flesh, his thighs shaking from the unfamiliar, intimate touch.

His tongue laving along Sora, Roxas' released him but still held him firmly around the base with his hand. He watched Sora's expression for any sign of discomfort as he continued to knead softly, his fingers slightly pressing in. Sora whimpered, his hands flying from Roxas' hair, only to fist hard in the sheets beside him.

"Sora, if you want…I can finish you like this…" Roxas whispered, his voice hoarse. How many years… had he wanted Sora looking like this – gasping and moaning _just like this?_ He dipped the tips of his fingers inside further, and slid his other hand up along Sora's length.

"I don't want it to end just yet…" Sora panted in answer, the silver crown pendant resting on his chest rising and falling sharply with every breath. He dazedly opened his eyes in confusion a moment later as Roxas' hands both suddenly left him. He began to sit up but Roxas hurried to reassure him, moving back up his body and kissing him soundly. Sora groaned and relaxed again as Roxas plundered his mouth, his fingernails scraping along Roxas' shoulders and up along the nape of his neck.

Roxas shivered and blindly began searching underneath his pillows for the small tube of lubricant he knew was there somewhere. Sora's lips and tongue were so very distracting as he finally managed to locate it and immediately started fumbling his way out of his pants.

His last of his clothes removed, Roxas returned to worshipping Sora's body, pressing wet, open-mouthed kisses down the well-defined expanse of his chest and the faint outline of his toned abdominal muscles.

Sora's bronzed skin glistened, his body trembling lightly with anticipation as Roxas resettled himself between his legs and slowly slid his hands down the soft inner skin of his thighs. Roxas pooled some of the lubricant in the palm of one hand and smoothly slid it around Sora's waiting arousal. Sora shuddered and moaned in response. He watched, faintly curious with his eyes half-mast as Roxas slicked the fingers of his other hand and promptly quested lower.

" _Ahh…!"_

Sora gasped and arched his hips right off the bed as Roxas slowly pressed his fingers into him.

"Does that feel okay?" Roxas murmured, gently moving his fingers inside.

Sora's eyes slid closed as he subtly shifted his hips. "It…feels weird…"

Roxas stroked Sora firmly a few times and slid his fingers in deeper, feeling for that place inside that he knew would give Sora a world of pleasure. Sora's hips suddenly jerked, a startled whimper escaping him as his eyes flew wide.

"How about now?" Roxas quietly asked, his fingers now sliding and stroking confidently, having found what he was searching for.

Sora squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered again. " _R-really…good…"_ He arched his spine and moaned feverishly as Roxas moved both of his hands and continued to stimulate him. Sora was so intensely aroused that Roxas groaned aloud just at the mere sight of him.

"Wh _…_ what _is that…?"_ Sora gasped, quivering around Roxas' fingers as he all but surrendered to the strange, new pleasure Roxas was giving him.

Hearing the curiosity in Sora's voice, Roxas could only laugh softly in answer as he set about bringing Sora to his completion.

Sora abruptly opened his eyes and desperately grabbed at Roxas' shoulder, urging him to be still. "Wait, what about you…? I want you to feel good, too…" He breathed, sitting up slightly, Roxas' fingers still buried deep inside him. He started purposely trailing a hand down Roxas' chest, but Roxas instantly recognised that unsure look in his eyes and stopped him.

Sora looked up confused; noticing Roxas' subdued smile.

"…You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. I'm okay with just this. We can always try more next time…" Accepting of the fact that this was all still so new to Sora, Roxas leaned forwards to kiss and reassure him, wanting nothing more than to set his mind at ease. As much as Roxas wanted to have Sora in every way imaginable – _right here_ and _right now,_ he was still more than satisfied with just having the opportunity to hold him in his arms again.

Considering how forceful he had been in their last sexual encounter, Roxas really wanted Sora to understand that he didn't have to do things he wasn't ready for, just to make him happy. Deepening the kiss, Roxas began stroking Sora again and moving his fingers, but Sora wasn't so quick to let it go.

He sat up sharply and pulled himself out of Roxas' hold, shivering as Roxas' fingers slipped out of him. "I'm not uncomfortable, I'm just nervous," Sora frowned, realising why Roxas was hesitating. "…I want to know what it's like…" He murmured simply, steadily holding Roxas' gaze.

Not requiring any further explanation, Roxas' self-control visibly weakened as Sora coaxed him back into an impassioned kiss. Sora confidently reached down between them and touched Roxas' erection, his fingers curling around and stroking. Roxas gasped and jerked his hips, moaning into Sora's mouth.

 _God,_ it felt amazing; Sora's sure hand rhythmically sliding up and down him as they continued to kiss and explore each other's bodies. Sora eventually laid back against the sheets, pulling Roxas down with him. One look at the intensity in Sora's brilliant blue eyes, and Roxas was all too quick to give in.

"…If you want me to stop at any time, just tell me, Sor," Roxas murmured in Sora's ear as he reached over him to wreathe the bedside drawer open. Sora nodded and made himself comfortable, Roxas easily finding what he was looking for and moving to kneel between his legs.

Holding Roxas close, Sora panted and moaned against his lips as Roxas massaged lubricant deep inside of him. Nearly coming undone just watching the myriad of emotions on Sora's face, Roxas hurried to open the condom and roll it on himself, his hands trembling.

Leaning into him and pressing Sora back on the bed, Roxas opened his legs wider and nervously sought his lips. Sora wrapped his arms around Roxas' shoulders as Roxas lined himself up and slowly pressed his way in. Sora tensed beneath him almost immediately, whimpering quietly into his mouth. " _Relax…_ " Roxas groaned, even as he sunk deeper inside. "You've got to relax, Sora…"

Sora heaved in a few deep breaths, visibly shaking in Roxas' arms. "… _Like that…?_ "

Roxas shakily nodded, feeling Sora letting him in. " _Yeah_ …just like that."

His chest aching at Sora's pained expression, Roxas slowly started pumping his hips, setting a smooth, steady rhythm. Sora clung to him, gasping with every one of Roxas' thrusts inside of him.

Roxas was barely keeping himself in check, the warm heat and squeeze of Sora's body around him pushing him closer and closer to his release.

"It gets better, I promise," he whispered, Sora barely opening his eyes to look at him, just gasping quietly in answer. Moaning with the building sensation, Roxas angled his hips differently and reached down between them, firmly stroking Sora back to full hardness.

" _There…a-ahh!"_ Sora moaned, Roxas knowing exactly what he was referring to as he focussed solely on turning Sora's discomfort into blinding pleasure.

It wasn't long before the expression on Sora's face changed for the better, his breaths noticeably more relaxed. Roxas slid into him, again and again, the firm movement of his hand bringing Sora ever closer; his lips pressing and sucking gently along his neck.

" _I'm…I'm gonna – ungh!"_

Roxas forced his eyes open as Sora shuddered and quivered against him. Panting and gasping with his release, Sora arched forward within Roxas' embrace, his arms pulling him in closer. Mesmerised, as Sora lost control, Roxas deliriously realised he would never tire of seeing him like this – his skin flushed and so wonderfully warm – the deep blue of his eyes captivating.

With one simple look, he took Roxas' breath away.

The slow buzz in Roxas' veins peaked and crashed through him, his hips still unconsciously moving as he found Sora's lips and hungrily devoured him.

-0-

"So…where do we go from here?"

Sora hummed quietly in answer and leaned further into him, pressing his back firmly against Roxas' warm chest. He ghosted his fingers along Roxas' forearms that were currently wrapped tight around his waist.

"There's an idea I've been tossing around for the last year or so, that I think might be really good for us."

"Oh?" Roxas murmured, burying his nose in the soft hair behind Sora's ear. He breathed in Sora's familiar scent and blissfully closed his eyes. Never in his life had he felt such peace.

"I think we should move to the west coast," Sora said confidently, lacing their fingers together. "The surf is world famous there and I really want to start competing more. I know it's pretty far away from here, but I think you should come with me…" He squeezed affectionately at Roxas' fingers.

"No one will know us there. We can start afresh."

Roxas shifted closer and subtly pressed his hips into Sora, revelling in his light shiver in response at the intimate contact of their bodies. He smiled and pressed a firm kiss to the nape of Sora's neck.

"What about when you become a famous surfer, then? Or are you planning on getting rid of me before that happens?" Roxas was still smiling and he'd kept his tone of voice light, but in all honesty he was actually being half serious. There was just no way for him to suddenly dispel his lingering doubts about them being together and easily making it work. The relationship they were beginning with each other…was a lot more than just awkward dinner conversation. If any of their family or mutual friends happened to find out, Roxas was more than sure it wasn't something they could ever recover from.

Knowing him far too well, Sora more felt the uncertainty in the stillness of Roxas' body than in his carefully chosen words. He tugged at Roxas' arms to release him and smoothly rolled over so that they were now facing each other. He wriggled one of his arms around Roxas' waist, pulling him into a close embrace. Gazing reassuringly into Roxas' eyes, Sora leant forward and pressed a lingering kiss to his lips.

"Don't get me wrong here – I don't want you to be my dirty little secret, but considering our close ties…we'll have to keep the PDA to an absolute minimum. People can only speculate then…but that's just how it'll have to be."

Not moving to pull away, Roxas shifted his eyes down to stare at Sora's chin and worried his bottom lip in thought. Finally, he smiled, albeit a little sadly.

"…I'm okay with that," he sighed onto Sora's lips. "I'm just happy you want to be with me at all."

Sora smiled and lifted his hand to slide it through Roxas' hair, massaging his fingers into his scalp. "I can't be with anyone else."

Roxas' heart skipped a beat as Sora claimed his lips again and gently rolled his tongue into his mouth. He moaned softly, feeling his body awakening to Sora's addictive taste and touch. He wanted to have him again, but there was still too much on his mind. He knew he was being selfish, but he wanted Sora to put him at ease.

Reluctantly, he broke their kiss. "And we're telling our family we're moving to the west coast together, because…?"

Sora, his pupils already slightly dilated, shrugged casually; traced a finger along the delicate shell of Roxas' ear.

"We're saving on rent by sharing a place together, and _coincidentally_ , you were _already_ planning on moving over there, because you just landed a great job opportunity – fresh out of uni."

Roxas breathed out a quiet laugh and slid his arms around Sora's waist. He tugged him roughly against him, their hips aligning. "It sounds like you've thought of everything." He pressed a fingertip lightly to one of Sora's soft nipples. Sora moaned.

"I told you, I've thought about it a lot. I'm a problem solver." He grinned and smacked a wet kiss to Roxas' cheek, who made a face, but then smiled all the same.

"Okay. Let's do it. Maybe…it'll work out okay."

Sora sighed explosively and promptly rolled on top of him. " _No,_ not _maybe_ it'll work out okay – you mean it'll _definitely_ be okay."

Roxas said nothing in answer, just propped himself up on his elbows and kissed Sora breathless.

Panting softly, Sora kissed the end of Roxas' nose. "Don't worry about it too much. It really will be okay, I promise."

Roxas flumped back against his pillow, looking off to the side. "It's kind of hard not to, when I've worried over it for more than half my life."

"But that's just it, Rox, you care about what other people think too much."

Roxas snorted, his answering remark bitterly derisive. "Oh, so what? When people ask you how we met, you're gonna tell them it was at the family Christmas party?

The mood darkening considerably, Sora flushed and looked sheepish, but he wasn't ready to back down just yet.

"Well, no, but it's not like we have the same last names, and we can't exactly have children." He nudged Roxas' chest. "Come _on_ , Roxas, be _happy._ We'll move to the west and get a nice place together and we'll _make this work._ At the end of the day, it's no one's business what we are to each other _…_ "

"…Because we love each other, and that's all that matters."

Hearing the sincerity in Sora's words, Roxas looked back up at him, and smiled softly. He brushed a few wayward spikes out of Sora's eyes. "Okay…I'll just have to trust you."

Realising that he had successfully won this round, Sora grinned happily and sealed their lips together once more. Letting his worries go for the moment, Roxas decided to focus on something else entirely, Sora's burgeoning desire eagerly pressing down against him.

"Hey…" Sora whispered suddenly, his blue eyes shining bright. "Your landlady…do you know who she reminded me of…?"

Realising where Sora was going with this, Roxas grinned and pretended to think. "Hmm…hair black as ebony – skin white as snow?"

Sora nodded and laughed, their eyes meeting in mutual understanding.

 _He's never forgotten…_ Roxas thought, and his heart – so used to carrying such a heavy burden, cast off the last of its aching pain and soared like a bird, up into the brilliant blue sky.

-0-

It was morning.

Roxas placed his empty mug down in the kitchen sink and turned on the faucet to rinse it clean. He looked out of the window in front of him, out into his backyard.

Right in the centre of the lawn, stood a young Poinciana tree, only a mere two metres high. It was in full bloom, some of its delicate scarlet flowers already splashing the grass underneath with vivid droplets of colour.

Two strong arms suddenly wrapped themselves firmly around his waist, Sora standing close behind him and giving him a small squeeze.

"It finally flowered…" He murmured, leaning back into Sora's warm embrace.

Sora in kind, rested his chin on Roxas' shoulder, peering out at the Poinciana, too.

"Has it really been that long?"

Roxas shook his head. "It's only been seven years…it flowered a year early."

"…It's flowering for us…" Sora whispered, pressing a soft kiss to Roxas' temple.

Roxas hummed in agreement, the sheer luminescence of his smile near-blinding.


End file.
